The Chronicles of LeaderShape
"Saturday, December 13, 2008
First day of Leadershape. I guess that I don't really have many expectations for this conference since I've never been to a secular leadeship conference before. The only leadership trainings that I have gone through have been based on God and His principles. It will be a difference experience to go through a leadersip training from a secular point of view.
Will they tell me to rely on myself and my own strength all the time? I'm interested to see what it may be like and what God will teach me through this experience.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Today has been a good and long day. It's only been a day, but I feel like I've already been here with this group for a week. I love our family cluster small group that we can open up in and have deep conversations with.
Team Challenge Ropes Course wasn't as physical and challenging as I would have liked, but it was a great opportunity to see leaders in action. It definately brought out aspects of people that show what areas need work. When you get a group of leaders together and give them a task, be ready to let the sparks fly. There were about 6 macho guys in my group who were all outspoken, dominating leaders who tried to tell everyone else what to do. There were too many people talking and not enough people listening. Sometimes leaders need to learn when t just be quiet and let other people lead so that the team can get something done.
Watched the sunset over the lake. It was beautiful.
I’ve been having some good conversations with different people. Even if I may not influence them or change their views, I know that God has brought all this together for a reason, whether to plant a seed or just to get me to pray for them.
Dear God,
I pray for these certain people that you have laid on my heart. I think you for the opportunities that you have given me to interact with them and listen to them tell their stories. I pray that you would show them your love and send your Holy Spirit to convict them that they need you. Thank you for loving them.
Love, Me.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Morning session was about building balloon castles. Lesson learned from that activity was that you can’t combine once you’ve already started building from your own visions unless the group comes together and creates a new vision as a team. When we tried to take what we built from our separate individual visions and mesh it together, all we got was a big blob and wasted resources.
In family clusters we wrote out what we’re passionate about and what we want to build for the future.
Lesson learned from chaos and change was that leaders need to be working alongside the team in order for the team to feel like the leader can relate to them and for the team to accept feedback. Also, even if you ask for feedback, the environment might not be one that is conducive to open comments and voices may be silenced.
We had to take our passions and future goals and turn them into a vision statement. This was really hard for me to do because the vision statement had to be a really broad statement about the future end result of my work.
My life revolves around loving and serving God and furthering His kingdom. For me, life is all about God. God’s plan for me is to further His kingdom because He tells us to be His witnesses throughout the world and to make disciples of all nations. My vision is to follow that commend.
But when I wrote my statement, I couldn’t say that my end goal is to “convert everyone to my religion” because that is as offensive as it is false, so I ended up writing something really vague.
We had to put them on the wall and go around and comment on everyone’s vision statement. I was really frustrated about the results of this activity because I feel like I censured myself. What I wrote didn’t explain exactly what I want to do, but I feel like I couldn’t write how I truly felt because my real passion is to love God and serve Him only."
After that, it got so busy that I didn't find time to journal...
LeaderShape was an amazing experience. Although I didn’t learn a lot of book knowledge, the practical challenges, experiences, and simulations showed me a lot. I discovered aspects of myself that I did not know before, and I learned what kind of leadership works in certain situations and what kind is destined for disaster. I learned a lot about interpersonal relationships and how to communicate effectively with different people. I thoroughly enjoyed my experience at LeaderShape. It was a whole lot of fun, and I think it was definitely worth it.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Fireproof
I just finished watching FIREPROOF. I've been wanting to see it for so long, and I finally got to see it. I was not disappointed. I loved that movie!
I'm currently still overwhelmed by the emotion/message of the movie so that I can't analyze it and critique it properly. I'm hoping to see it again soon, so when I do, I'll be able to reflect on it more.
For now, I'll just say that I LOVED FIREPROOF!
I'm currently still overwhelmed by the emotion/message of the movie so that I can't analyze it and critique it properly. I'm hoping to see it again soon, so when I do, I'll be able to reflect on it more.
For now, I'll just say that I LOVED FIREPROOF!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Prayer for My (Future) Guy
Dear God,
I know that he's out there. You've made a perfect guy for me, and You're working on getting him ready for a life dedicated to serving You. And I trust that once You've got him ready to serve you and You've got me ready to serve You, then You'll bring us together so that we can serve You even better as a team.
God, I know that Your timing is best. And I ask that You would keep him (whoever he is and where ever he may be) steadfast on You. I pray that You would continue to mature him to be the leader and servant that You have planned for him to be. I ask that You would keep him safe from all that may tear him down and distract him from You.
God, I pray for me. You know how much I long to belong, to love, and to be loved. Please help me to stay focused on Your plan for me at this moment. Help me to love You above all else. Give me joy and fulfilment through You alone.
There are so many shiny things out there to distract me. So many nice guys and cute faces. I know they're not the one for me, but yet I still fall for them anyways. In a way, I'm glad that this semester is over, because I will probably never see these guys again. One will be heading off to medical school soon, and the other one will be gone at another school on the other side of the country. I guess that's goodbye to them, until we meet again in Heaven some day.
God, I know that You have someone better for me. And I know that when the time is right, he'll show up. So until then, I pray that You would keep me steadfast on You. I pray that You would keep me and him focused on what You have for us to do right now, so that when we do meet, we will be ready for the job that You have for us to do as a team.
Love Always,
Your Daughter
I know that he's out there. You've made a perfect guy for me, and You're working on getting him ready for a life dedicated to serving You. And I trust that once You've got him ready to serve you and You've got me ready to serve You, then You'll bring us together so that we can serve You even better as a team.
God, I know that Your timing is best. And I ask that You would keep him (whoever he is and where ever he may be) steadfast on You. I pray that You would continue to mature him to be the leader and servant that You have planned for him to be. I ask that You would keep him safe from all that may tear him down and distract him from You.
God, I pray for me. You know how much I long to belong, to love, and to be loved. Please help me to stay focused on Your plan for me at this moment. Help me to love You above all else. Give me joy and fulfilment through You alone.
There are so many shiny things out there to distract me. So many nice guys and cute faces. I know they're not the one for me, but yet I still fall for them anyways. In a way, I'm glad that this semester is over, because I will probably never see these guys again. One will be heading off to medical school soon, and the other one will be gone at another school on the other side of the country. I guess that's goodbye to them, until we meet again in Heaven some day.
God, I know that You have someone better for me. And I know that when the time is right, he'll show up. So until then, I pray that You would keep me steadfast on You. I pray that You would keep me and him focused on what You have for us to do right now, so that when we do meet, we will be ready for the job that You have for us to do as a team.
Love Always,
Your Daughter
TMJ Doctor
So the TMJ (Temporal Mandibular Joint) Doctor says that the reason why I have pain in my jaw is because my central nervous system doesn't tell my jaw to relax when my muscles tense up at night.
Some big percentage (I think he said 60%) of people clench some muscles when they sleep at night. Most of these people never have problems because their central nervous system adapts to that and knows when to tell the body to stop and relax.
I never had jaw pain until after I got my braces off. The doctor said that since the braces moved my teeth around, the places where my teeth touch when I close my mouth are different. The central nervous system is now confused, so it doesn't know when to tell my jaw to relax. As a result, my jaw clenches when I sleep, so the muscles get really tight and lock up my jaw. The pain, popping, and tightness are all caused by my muscles over exerting themselves at night.
The solution? A simple orthodic (mouth guard) that sits on my teeth like a retainer. There is a piece of acrylic that touches my front teeth whenever I close my jaw. Since the nerves on my front teeth are denser than they are on my back teeth, this sends a lot of signals to my central nervous system to tell the muscles to back off and relax.
I've been wearing this orthodic when I sleep for a little more than a week, and it is amazing! The first morning when I woke up, I opened my mouth and there was no pain or tightness at all. I felt like I had never had TMJ pain in my life. As the day progressed, my pain returned, but every day since it has been getting better and better.
I love the feeling NOT being in pain. I feel so good!
But what I don't love is the doctors bill...for the visit and the orthodic: $2,575.
Some big percentage (I think he said 60%) of people clench some muscles when they sleep at night. Most of these people never have problems because their central nervous system adapts to that and knows when to tell the body to stop and relax.
I never had jaw pain until after I got my braces off. The doctor said that since the braces moved my teeth around, the places where my teeth touch when I close my mouth are different. The central nervous system is now confused, so it doesn't know when to tell my jaw to relax. As a result, my jaw clenches when I sleep, so the muscles get really tight and lock up my jaw. The pain, popping, and tightness are all caused by my muscles over exerting themselves at night.
The solution? A simple orthodic (mouth guard) that sits on my teeth like a retainer. There is a piece of acrylic that touches my front teeth whenever I close my jaw. Since the nerves on my front teeth are denser than they are on my back teeth, this sends a lot of signals to my central nervous system to tell the muscles to back off and relax.
I've been wearing this orthodic when I sleep for a little more than a week, and it is amazing! The first morning when I woke up, I opened my mouth and there was no pain or tightness at all. I felt like I had never had TMJ pain in my life. As the day progressed, my pain returned, but every day since it has been getting better and better.
I love the feeling NOT being in pain. I feel so good!
But what I don't love is the doctors bill...for the visit and the orthodic: $2,575.
Grades
So my first semester of University is officially over. Exams are done. Grades are out!
My grades:
Chem-Withdraw
Chem Lab-Withdraw
Rock climbing-Pass
BIO 1401-A
CTV 1301-A
MATH 1304-A
MSA 1350-A
Which gives me a 4.0. I am so relieved. God has been good to me this semester.
But Dad is right. Although my grades this semester have been good, my spiritual life has been going downhill. I have slowly been neglecting my devos and quiet times. I have not been reading my bible every day and spending special time with God. I have not been faithful in putting God always first in my life.
I've gotten busy with studies, friends, and having fun. I've forgotten my first love. I need to come back and put God first again.
My grades:
Chem-Withdraw
Chem Lab-Withdraw
Rock climbing-Pass
BIO 1401-A
CTV 1301-A
MATH 1304-A
MSA 1350-A
Which gives me a 4.0. I am so relieved. God has been good to me this semester.
But Dad is right. Although my grades this semester have been good, my spiritual life has been going downhill. I have slowly been neglecting my devos and quiet times. I have not been reading my bible every day and spending special time with God. I have not been faithful in putting God always first in my life.
I've gotten busy with studies, friends, and having fun. I've forgotten my first love. I need to come back and put God first again.
New Classic
I watched ANOTHER CINDERELLA STORY again. Everytime I watch it, it makes me want to dance. I really like the song: New Classic.
New Classic by Drew Seeley
"It's Become So Hard
For Me To Be Surprised
You're Bringing Back The Real Me
No Judgment In Your Eyes
Cause When I Dance With You
It's How I Speak The Truth
Just Classic When Me Met
Now You Make Me New
Ever Try To Reach For Something
But Its Someone Else's Dream
Every Step That You Take Forward
It Takes You Right Back Where You Been
And Then When You Least Expect It
And You Tried About Everything
Somebody Hears Your Opinions
Somebody Cares What You See
You Woke Me Up
No Longer Tired
With You I Feel Inspired
You Help Me Find My Fire
You're The New Classic
You're The New PYT
Stands For Pay Young
Taking On The World From The Driver's Seat
You Look So Classic
Fantastic
When You're On That Floor
Bring The Beat Back Once More
Let Me See You Do That
Tryin' to do it right
No rehearsal, it's your life
When you're doing this crazy dance
Cuz you're makin these crazy plans
It's just a dance, not a test
You put in work to be the best (oh)
It's a classic take on a brand new game
Before the needle drops, they're gonna know your name
When it gets old don't lose the love
You're cold I'll warm you up (you up)
Your fire's hot enough, enough, enough, enough, enough
It's Become So Hard
For Me To Be Surprised
You're Bringing Back The Real Me
No Judgment In Your Eyes
Cause When I Dance With You
It's How I Speak The Truth
Just Classic When Me Met
Now You Make Me New"
New Classic by Drew Seeley
"It's Become So Hard
For Me To Be Surprised
You're Bringing Back The Real Me
No Judgment In Your Eyes
Cause When I Dance With You
It's How I Speak The Truth
Just Classic When Me Met
Now You Make Me New
Ever Try To Reach For Something
But Its Someone Else's Dream
Every Step That You Take Forward
It Takes You Right Back Where You Been
And Then When You Least Expect It
And You Tried About Everything
Somebody Hears Your Opinions
Somebody Cares What You See
You Woke Me Up
No Longer Tired
With You I Feel Inspired
You Help Me Find My Fire
You're The New Classic
You're The New PYT
Stands For Pay Young
Taking On The World From The Driver's Seat
You Look So Classic
Fantastic
When You're On That Floor
Bring The Beat Back Once More
Let Me See You Do That
Tryin' to do it right
No rehearsal, it's your life
When you're doing this crazy dance
Cuz you're makin these crazy plans
It's just a dance, not a test
You put in work to be the best (oh)
It's a classic take on a brand new game
Before the needle drops, they're gonna know your name
When it gets old don't lose the love
You're cold I'll warm you up (you up)
Your fire's hot enough, enough, enough, enough, enough
It's Become So Hard
For Me To Be Surprised
You're Bringing Back The Real Me
No Judgment In Your Eyes
Cause When I Dance With You
It's How I Speak The Truth
Just Classic When Me Met
Now You Make Me New"
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Injury
I injured my knees in the June of 2007. I waited for it to get better, but after many months, it not only got worse, but my lower back and hips started to hurt too. I visited a chiropractor and a physiotherapist. The treatments that they gave me helped the pain, but it didn't solve the problem and eliminate the injury.
After 9 months of trying to ignore the pain, I finally went to an Orthopaedist who x-rayed my knees and diagnosed me with bilateral patella pain syndrome and sent me to a physical therapist. I went to the physical therapist 2 times a week for a few months and we worked on strengthening my hip muscles because he said that the root of the problem was my flexible hips. When I ran too much, the running muscles got strong but my interior hip muscles did not. Because my hips are so flexible, the stronger and tighter running muscles overppower the weaker stabalizing muscles and pull my hip all out of allignment. This is what they thought was causing me pain in the hip and referred pain in the knees. By the time I was finished with the physical theraphy, my pain levels had been significantly reduced, though not eliminated. Even though the pain was almost gone, it was still there, so I knew that I was not completely healed.
I started having pain in many other areas of my body including my hands and jaw. In July of 2008, I finally asked my general practitioner about all my pain, so she sent me to get some blood tests done because she thought I might have arthritis. The blood tests came back normal and ruled out that possibility, but I have not gone to see her about it since, so i don't know what else could be causing this pain.
When this semester started, I had occasional pain in my knees. Not enough to bother me too much, but just enough to let me know that it was still there. As the semester progressed, my pain began to get worse. My lower back and hips started hurting again. I could feel my body giving me more pain week by week.
Today, my knees hurt so much. I don't know what triggered it, but it may have been from when I ran. My knees are hurtng so much right now. The left knee pops when I bend it if there is weight on it, and it hurts even when I bend it without weight. I think it may be hurting as much as when I originally injured it.
-Oh what a stupid stupid stupid injury. I'm so sick and tired of you popping up all the time. Why can't you just go away and leave me alone? Why do you insist on hanging around all the time and giving me pain?-
I'm going to see a TMJ doctor on Wednesday morning. I hope that he will be able to figure out whats wrong with my jaw and whether it may be a system-wide problem. I can't wait. I hate being in pain without knowing what is wrong with me.
After 9 months of trying to ignore the pain, I finally went to an Orthopaedist who x-rayed my knees and diagnosed me with bilateral patella pain syndrome and sent me to a physical therapist. I went to the physical therapist 2 times a week for a few months and we worked on strengthening my hip muscles because he said that the root of the problem was my flexible hips. When I ran too much, the running muscles got strong but my interior hip muscles did not. Because my hips are so flexible, the stronger and tighter running muscles overppower the weaker stabalizing muscles and pull my hip all out of allignment. This is what they thought was causing me pain in the hip and referred pain in the knees. By the time I was finished with the physical theraphy, my pain levels had been significantly reduced, though not eliminated. Even though the pain was almost gone, it was still there, so I knew that I was not completely healed.
I started having pain in many other areas of my body including my hands and jaw. In July of 2008, I finally asked my general practitioner about all my pain, so she sent me to get some blood tests done because she thought I might have arthritis. The blood tests came back normal and ruled out that possibility, but I have not gone to see her about it since, so i don't know what else could be causing this pain.
When this semester started, I had occasional pain in my knees. Not enough to bother me too much, but just enough to let me know that it was still there. As the semester progressed, my pain began to get worse. My lower back and hips started hurting again. I could feel my body giving me more pain week by week.
Today, my knees hurt so much. I don't know what triggered it, but it may have been from when I ran. My knees are hurtng so much right now. The left knee pops when I bend it if there is weight on it, and it hurts even when I bend it without weight. I think it may be hurting as much as when I originally injured it.
-Oh what a stupid stupid stupid injury. I'm so sick and tired of you popping up all the time. Why can't you just go away and leave me alone? Why do you insist on hanging around all the time and giving me pain?-
I'm going to see a TMJ doctor on Wednesday morning. I hope that he will be able to figure out whats wrong with my jaw and whether it may be a system-wide problem. I can't wait. I hate being in pain without knowing what is wrong with me.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Avoiding you
I'm avoiding you. Sorry.
I'm making a conscious decision to avoid you, I guess because I don't want talk to you. I don't want to have to talk to you because I don't have anything to say to you.
You may not even know that I'm avoiding you. That's ok. I don't care anymore. You can be stuck in your own selfish world for all I care. I'm not going to make the effort to go seek you out and talk to you. I'm not going to spend the effort on you anymore. I bet you wont even know because you're so stuck in your own world. You probably don't even care enough to initiate a conversation with me, and you won't even notice that I'm not around to listen to you.
I know I'm sounding really harsh, but the only reason why I can say exactly how I feel is because I know that you will never read this.
I'm avoiding you because I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you because I am hurt. I've been betrayed, and I am hurt.
But, its entirely my own fault. You didn't betray me. You didn't fail me. But you did betray who I thought you were. You did fail who I thought you were. It was my own fault for thinking so highly of you. It was my own fault for putting you up on a pedistal. But you are not who I made you to be. You are a sinful, selfish, human being like the rest of us. I set myself up to be hurt. And now I have been hurt.
I'm not mad at you. I've forgiven anything that you've done.
I just don't feel like talking to you. Beacuse it hurts when I see you. And I just have nothing to say to you anymore.
Maybe as time heals my wounds, I'll be able to talk to you again. Maybe our friendship will be stronger because of this. But right now, I'm just too hurt to talk to you. So I'm avoiding you. The end.
I'm making a conscious decision to avoid you, I guess because I don't want talk to you. I don't want to have to talk to you because I don't have anything to say to you.
You may not even know that I'm avoiding you. That's ok. I don't care anymore. You can be stuck in your own selfish world for all I care. I'm not going to make the effort to go seek you out and talk to you. I'm not going to spend the effort on you anymore. I bet you wont even know because you're so stuck in your own world. You probably don't even care enough to initiate a conversation with me, and you won't even notice that I'm not around to listen to you.
I know I'm sounding really harsh, but the only reason why I can say exactly how I feel is because I know that you will never read this.
I'm avoiding you because I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you because I am hurt. I've been betrayed, and I am hurt.
But, its entirely my own fault. You didn't betray me. You didn't fail me. But you did betray who I thought you were. You did fail who I thought you were. It was my own fault for thinking so highly of you. It was my own fault for putting you up on a pedistal. But you are not who I made you to be. You are a sinful, selfish, human being like the rest of us. I set myself up to be hurt. And now I have been hurt.
I'm not mad at you. I've forgiven anything that you've done.
I just don't feel like talking to you. Beacuse it hurts when I see you. And I just have nothing to say to you anymore.
Maybe as time heals my wounds, I'll be able to talk to you again. Maybe our friendship will be stronger because of this. But right now, I'm just too hurt to talk to you. So I'm avoiding you. The end.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Broken Promises
I don't understand. I am so frustrated. What is going on? Why can't this go on? It's all ready. Everything is ready.
I've worked so hard to get everything organized and ready for this project. I spent so much thought working every detail out and creating schedules to fit everyone else's schedules. I spent so much time contacting people and trying to get actors and extras. I've borrowed a camera and a tripod. I've gotten the props, printed out the scripts, set everything up. I've worked SO HARD! Is this all for nothing? Is this all to go to waste?
Where is the commitment? I thought I had commitments from people, but I guess I was wrong. Yes, I am annoyed at her. Yes, I am annoyed at him.
You've said so many times about how you are so excited to make this film. You've said that you would be available all day and that you would be committed to this film. Where is that commitment? It's all words. All empty words. Now you can't film all day because you're acting in someone else's movie. Well that's ok, I'll work around your schedule. But why are you so committed to that project at the expense of your commitment to this project? Why are you breaking these commitments that you made to me? Does this project mean nothing to you? This is a group project. THIS IS NOT MY PROJECT! We decided to do this together. We're working together as a group. WHY AM I DOING ALL THE WORK? I don't mind doing all the work, but I expect that you would at least translate your excitement for this project into some commitment for what you said that you would do. You are full of excitement but so unreliable. I can't count on you.
I am so upset right now that I am tempted to say that I hate the circumstances. But I CAN'T say that because God is in control. To say that I hate what is happening is to say that I hate what God is doing. And I can't say that. God knows what He is doing even when I don't know.
And I know that God works out all things for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes.
God never breaks His promises.
I've worked so hard to get everything organized and ready for this project. I spent so much thought working every detail out and creating schedules to fit everyone else's schedules. I spent so much time contacting people and trying to get actors and extras. I've borrowed a camera and a tripod. I've gotten the props, printed out the scripts, set everything up. I've worked SO HARD! Is this all for nothing? Is this all to go to waste?
Where is the commitment? I thought I had commitments from people, but I guess I was wrong. Yes, I am annoyed at her. Yes, I am annoyed at him.
You've said so many times about how you are so excited to make this film. You've said that you would be available all day and that you would be committed to this film. Where is that commitment? It's all words. All empty words. Now you can't film all day because you're acting in someone else's movie. Well that's ok, I'll work around your schedule. But why are you so committed to that project at the expense of your commitment to this project? Why are you breaking these commitments that you made to me? Does this project mean nothing to you? This is a group project. THIS IS NOT MY PROJECT! We decided to do this together. We're working together as a group. WHY AM I DOING ALL THE WORK? I don't mind doing all the work, but I expect that you would at least translate your excitement for this project into some commitment for what you said that you would do. You are full of excitement but so unreliable. I can't count on you.
I am so upset right now that I am tempted to say that I hate the circumstances. But I CAN'T say that because God is in control. To say that I hate what is happening is to say that I hate what God is doing. And I can't say that. God knows what He is doing even when I don't know.
And I know that God works out all things for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes.
God never breaks His promises.
Director
I am so stressed. I do NOT want to be a director again. This has been such a frustrating experience, and I'm so stressed.
Getting a camera, getting a tripod. Working with the writer of the script, editing the script. Finding actors, casting characters. Subdividing scenes, making a shooting order. Planning sets, creating a shooting schedule. Picking shooting days, picking times. Creating a call sheet, working around people's schedules. Creating a prop list, a costume list. Finding the props, emailing lots of people to ask for extras. Having people change up their availability, reworking the schedules. Trying to get this film made while pleasing everyone at the same time. Making decisions.
I'm so stressed I think I'm going to go crazy. I'm so stressed that I've been having heartburn all day. I hate being a director, assistant director, producer, casting director, prop manager, costume design, and cinematographer all at the same time. I do NOT want to do this ever again!
Argh. =/
Dear God,
I'm so stressed. But I don't need to be. I need to let go. I know that You are in control and that You will always work things out for the best.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29
God, please take this yolk from me. I am too burdened. Please give me Your rest. I trust that you will work all things for the good of them who seek you, of them who are the called according to your purpose.
Love,
Me <3
Getting a camera, getting a tripod. Working with the writer of the script, editing the script. Finding actors, casting characters. Subdividing scenes, making a shooting order. Planning sets, creating a shooting schedule. Picking shooting days, picking times. Creating a call sheet, working around people's schedules. Creating a prop list, a costume list. Finding the props, emailing lots of people to ask for extras. Having people change up their availability, reworking the schedules. Trying to get this film made while pleasing everyone at the same time. Making decisions.
I'm so stressed I think I'm going to go crazy. I'm so stressed that I've been having heartburn all day. I hate being a director, assistant director, producer, casting director, prop manager, costume design, and cinematographer all at the same time. I do NOT want to do this ever again!
Argh. =/
Dear God,
I'm so stressed. But I don't need to be. I need to let go. I know that You are in control and that You will always work things out for the best.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29
God, please take this yolk from me. I am too burdened. Please give me Your rest. I trust that you will work all things for the good of them who seek you, of them who are the called according to your purpose.
Love,
Me <3
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Hearts and Minds
In film class this morning we watched a documentary on the Vietnam War entitled HEARTS AND MINDS. I had heard a few things about this documentary, so I expected to see some painful scenes. I was prepared for the shots of bombings, soldiers, chaos, and other typical war shots.
What I was NOT prepared for was the juxtaposition of the 2 worlds. The film did an amazing job of showing the two parallel but separate worlds: The glorified war in America and the gruesome reality in Vietnam. An interview of an air force pilot who said that he dropped bombs because he enjoyed it was followed by shots of the destruction of bomb and the havoc it wrecked on the simple village folk. A shot of the survivors of a bombing wandering around the rubble that used to be their homes and wailing in anguish for their lost loved ones was followed by a shot of an American man in a lush, peaceful park saying "Well you see, for the Oriental, life is cheap". I wanted to throw up.
There were shots of people mourning and crying for their lost family and friends. A father cried hysterically, "They killed my 8 year old daughter and my 3 year old son!" He pointed to a pile of rubble. "That is where she died. She was feeding the pigs. The pigs...they're alive. She...she is dead. She was so sweet. They killed her. Nixon killed my daughter!" He pointed offscreen. "You see that shirt? That was my daughter's shirt. The shirt that she will never wear again. Take that to America! Show them the shirt that my daughter will never wear again!"
A young boy clung to a photograph of his father and sobbed uncontrollably. His crying was inconsolable because his dad was gone, and his sobs were heartrending. This was a real boy who would never see his dad again. His cries tore at me. I cried.
_____________________________
For the rest of the morning I was haunted by the intimate pain I had experienced, and a song kept playing in my head: Prayer of the Children. I sang this song many years ago in an A Cappella Choir, but I still remember it clearly. The cries of so many helpless people have been tugging at my heart all day...
Please listen to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTZFIcqnQMg&feature=related
Prayer of the Children
"Can you hear the prayer of the children?
On bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room
Empty eyes with no more tears to cry
Turning heavenward toward the light
Crying Jesus, help me
To see the morning light-of one more day
But if I should die before I wake,
I pray my soul to take
Can you feel the hearts of the children?
Aching for home, for something of their very own
Reaching hands, with nothing to hold on to,
But hope for a better day a better day
Crying Jesus, help me
To feel the love again in my own land
But if unknown roads lead away from home,
Give me loving arms, away from harm
Can you hear the voice of the children?
Softly pleading for silence in a shattered world?
Angry guns preach a gospel full of hate,
Blood of the innocent on their hands
Crying Jesus, help me
To feel the sun again upon my face,
For when darkness clears I know you're near,
Bringing peace again
Dali cujete sve djecje molitive?
Can you hear the prayer of the children?"
What I was NOT prepared for was the juxtaposition of the 2 worlds. The film did an amazing job of showing the two parallel but separate worlds: The glorified war in America and the gruesome reality in Vietnam. An interview of an air force pilot who said that he dropped bombs because he enjoyed it was followed by shots of the destruction of bomb and the havoc it wrecked on the simple village folk. A shot of the survivors of a bombing wandering around the rubble that used to be their homes and wailing in anguish for their lost loved ones was followed by a shot of an American man in a lush, peaceful park saying "Well you see, for the Oriental, life is cheap". I wanted to throw up.
There were shots of people mourning and crying for their lost family and friends. A father cried hysterically, "They killed my 8 year old daughter and my 3 year old son!" He pointed to a pile of rubble. "That is where she died. She was feeding the pigs. The pigs...they're alive. She...she is dead. She was so sweet. They killed her. Nixon killed my daughter!" He pointed offscreen. "You see that shirt? That was my daughter's shirt. The shirt that she will never wear again. Take that to America! Show them the shirt that my daughter will never wear again!"
A young boy clung to a photograph of his father and sobbed uncontrollably. His crying was inconsolable because his dad was gone, and his sobs were heartrending. This was a real boy who would never see his dad again. His cries tore at me. I cried.
_____________________________
For the rest of the morning I was haunted by the intimate pain I had experienced, and a song kept playing in my head: Prayer of the Children. I sang this song many years ago in an A Cappella Choir, but I still remember it clearly. The cries of so many helpless people have been tugging at my heart all day...
Please listen to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTZFIcqnQMg&feature=related
Prayer of the Children
"Can you hear the prayer of the children?
On bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room
Empty eyes with no more tears to cry
Turning heavenward toward the light
Crying Jesus, help me
To see the morning light-of one more day
But if I should die before I wake,
I pray my soul to take
Can you feel the hearts of the children?
Aching for home, for something of their very own
Reaching hands, with nothing to hold on to,
But hope for a better day a better day
Crying Jesus, help me
To feel the love again in my own land
But if unknown roads lead away from home,
Give me loving arms, away from harm
Can you hear the voice of the children?
Softly pleading for silence in a shattered world?
Angry guns preach a gospel full of hate,
Blood of the innocent on their hands
Crying Jesus, help me
To feel the sun again upon my face,
For when darkness clears I know you're near,
Bringing peace again
Dali cujete sve djecje molitive?
Can you hear the prayer of the children?"
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Everything
You hold the world
in the palm of Your hand
You made all the stars
and You know them by name
All nature proclaims Your glory
The plants of the forest
and the birds in the sky
All creation joins in praise
You are the one and only God
Who have I on earth but You?
The things of the world fade in Your presence
You are my everything
Nothing I build will satisfy
No love I find will be truer than Yours
No one I meet can fill Your place
You are my everything
in the palm of Your hand
You made all the stars
and You know them by name
All nature proclaims Your glory
The plants of the forest
and the birds in the sky
All creation joins in praise
You are the one and only God
Who have I on earth but You?
The things of the world fade in Your presence
You are my everything
Nothing I build will satisfy
No love I find will be truer than Yours
No one I meet can fill Your place
You are my everything
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Prayer
I worked the closing shift last night, so I didn't get home until really late. I didn't get enough sleep, didn't want to wake up early for church, and was tired the whole day.
In Sunday School, we broke up into small groups to pray for each other. I shared with my group about how I'm living life from test to test and assignment to assignment. I told them about how I'm not seeking God as much as I should be and enjoying His love. I told them how upset I am that one of my friends will be leaving. And I told them how I need God's love.
Our 2 leaders prayed for all of us, and when they prayed for me, I felt such a warm peace. I didn't realize until today that its been so long since someone has prayed with me for me. Their prayers were beautifully caring, genuine, and encouraging because I'm confident that God heard them.
I didn't realize that I'm missing so much. It's been so long since I've been in a small group. It's been so long since I've shared my burdens with a group who prayed for me. I miss prayer. I miss it a lot.
In Sunday School, we broke up into small groups to pray for each other. I shared with my group about how I'm living life from test to test and assignment to assignment. I told them about how I'm not seeking God as much as I should be and enjoying His love. I told them how upset I am that one of my friends will be leaving. And I told them how I need God's love.
Our 2 leaders prayed for all of us, and when they prayed for me, I felt such a warm peace. I didn't realize until today that its been so long since someone has prayed with me for me. Their prayers were beautifully caring, genuine, and encouraging because I'm confident that God heard them.
I didn't realize that I'm missing so much. It's been so long since I've been in a small group. It's been so long since I've shared my burdens with a group who prayed for me. I miss prayer. I miss it a lot.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Leave
No, don't leave! I wish I could say that to you. I wish I could tell you how upset I am that you're leaving. But I know that I can't. Because as much as I hate to admit it, you should go. I know that it'll be better for you to leave, but at the same time, that means I'll have to give you up.
Not as though I had any claim on you to begin with. You belong to God. Who am I to demand your attention? I know that I should be grateful for the time that God has shared you with me, but the selfish part of me wants to hang on tight.
I don't want to let go. God has given me a blessing and I don't want to give it up. I'm so selfish. I'm so dependant on people. I need to be needed. I want security in people. But I also need to love. And when I find something that I love, I don't want to give it up again.
I love you too much to give you up. But at the same time, real love doesn't satisfy it's own desires. Agape love will do what is best for others. I know that it is best for you to go. I love you too much to let you go, but I love you too much to let you stay.
So as much as I hate to say it: Leave.
Not as though I had any claim on you to begin with. You belong to God. Who am I to demand your attention? I know that I should be grateful for the time that God has shared you with me, but the selfish part of me wants to hang on tight.
I don't want to let go. God has given me a blessing and I don't want to give it up. I'm so selfish. I'm so dependant on people. I need to be needed. I want security in people. But I also need to love. And when I find something that I love, I don't want to give it up again.
I love you too much to give you up. But at the same time, real love doesn't satisfy it's own desires. Agape love will do what is best for others. I know that it is best for you to go. I love you too much to let you go, but I love you too much to let you stay.
So as much as I hate to say it: Leave.
Friends
I had a great time hanging out with two friends tonight. We ate dinner together and just hung out and talked about everything. It felt so good to relax and have fun with like-minded people who share my love for God.
Praise God for these precious gifts called friends!
Praise God for these precious gifts called friends!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Apathy?
I've got this routine down. Go to class, do my homework, write papers, study, take tests. It's all coming together now, and I've gotten better at doing things without having to think about them. But now that I don't have to constantly think about what I am doing, what do I think about?
The days fly by, and another week is over. How was my week? Hmmm...let me think about that. I don't even remember anymore. I'm living each day as it comes, just surviving from test to test and paper to paper. I'm on automatic pilot, and I'm not sure that's a good thing.
I should be enjoying my learning and joyfully living each day to the fullest. God has given me this day, and I must redeem the time He has given me.
Why do I feel like I'm just going through the motions? I've lost touch with the joy of living each day in the presence of my God. I need that joy back. Holy Spirit, please give me Jesus. Please overwhelm me with a love for my Creator. Please fill me with the joy of the Lord which is my strength.
The days fly by, and another week is over. How was my week? Hmmm...let me think about that. I don't even remember anymore. I'm living each day as it comes, just surviving from test to test and paper to paper. I'm on automatic pilot, and I'm not sure that's a good thing.
I should be enjoying my learning and joyfully living each day to the fullest. God has given me this day, and I must redeem the time He has given me.
Why do I feel like I'm just going through the motions? I've lost touch with the joy of living each day in the presence of my God. I need that joy back. Holy Spirit, please give me Jesus. Please overwhelm me with a love for my Creator. Please fill me with the joy of the Lord which is my strength.
Dream
So I had a really weird dream last night:
In my dream, I was hanging out with the guy that I have a crush on, and somehow or another, I hinted that I like him. I guess I was flirting with him or something. I don't remember...it was weird. So he asked if there was a chance of us being together which threw me off guard. And then I had to try to tell him that even though I really liked him a lot, I couldn't start a relationship because I don't feel like that's what God wants me to do right now. But I fumbled around a lot and didn't give as good an answer as I should have.
I was really torn apart emotionally because I really like him a lot and my heart wants so desperately to have a relationship right now, but my mind knows that its not the right time so I can't. And it was made worse because (in my dream, not in real life) he liked me back and wanted to pursue a relationship. So here I am, crushing my own emotions and his at the same time because I know against all my desires that it's not the right time.
It was a hard thing to go through, even though it wasn't real and it was only in my dream. But it left me pretty emotionally exhausted and wishing that maybe the story could have turned out a little differently. <3
In my dream, I was hanging out with the guy that I have a crush on, and somehow or another, I hinted that I like him. I guess I was flirting with him or something. I don't remember...it was weird. So he asked if there was a chance of us being together which threw me off guard. And then I had to try to tell him that even though I really liked him a lot, I couldn't start a relationship because I don't feel like that's what God wants me to do right now. But I fumbled around a lot and didn't give as good an answer as I should have.
I was really torn apart emotionally because I really like him a lot and my heart wants so desperately to have a relationship right now, but my mind knows that its not the right time so I can't. And it was made worse because (in my dream, not in real life) he liked me back and wanted to pursue a relationship. So here I am, crushing my own emotions and his at the same time because I know against all my desires that it's not the right time.
It was a hard thing to go through, even though it wasn't real and it was only in my dream. But it left me pretty emotionally exhausted and wishing that maybe the story could have turned out a little differently. <3
Sunday, November 2, 2008
My Body
Sometimes I just hate my body. I'm so frustrated at the limitations of this human body that I live in. I want to push myself to the limits, and my mind is willing but my body fails me.
Why do I have such a weak body? I'm constantly getting sick. I get sick, and then it takes me at least a week to recover from it. I don't get enough sleep and my body crashes and quits working on me. Right now, I've been sick for the past few days. My head hurts like crazy and I can't concentrate. I just want to lie in bed and sleep forever. My body just doesn't want to get up. My throat hurts. I try to sing and I have to stop because it hurts too much. My head hurts so much! I wish it would stop pounding.
My knees hurt. My hip hurts. My hip joint hurts. My back hurts. My shoulders hurt. My jaw hurts. Everythng hurts. Why is my body falling apart???
Why is my left TMJ so tight? I can't open my mouth all the way and it hurts when I chew. Why does my hip and lower back pop and hurt? Why do my knees hurt at random times for no reason? Why does the bottom of my foot hurt when I walk sometimes? Why do my lymph nodes swell up? Why is my throat so sore? Why am I so dizzy?
Why do I have such a weak body? I'm trapped. I hate this pain. I wish my body would cooperate with me, but I feel like I'm constantly fighting with it. Right now my body is winning.
I need to go sleep.
Why do I have such a weak body? I'm constantly getting sick. I get sick, and then it takes me at least a week to recover from it. I don't get enough sleep and my body crashes and quits working on me. Right now, I've been sick for the past few days. My head hurts like crazy and I can't concentrate. I just want to lie in bed and sleep forever. My body just doesn't want to get up. My throat hurts. I try to sing and I have to stop because it hurts too much. My head hurts so much! I wish it would stop pounding.
My knees hurt. My hip hurts. My hip joint hurts. My back hurts. My shoulders hurt. My jaw hurts. Everythng hurts. Why is my body falling apart???
Why is my left TMJ so tight? I can't open my mouth all the way and it hurts when I chew. Why does my hip and lower back pop and hurt? Why do my knees hurt at random times for no reason? Why does the bottom of my foot hurt when I walk sometimes? Why do my lymph nodes swell up? Why is my throat so sore? Why am I so dizzy?
Why do I have such a weak body? I'm trapped. I hate this pain. I wish my body would cooperate with me, but I feel like I'm constantly fighting with it. Right now my body is winning.
I need to go sleep.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Judge Not
So I don't mean to judge, but this guy really creeps me out. I guess it started when he showed us his video that he made with some friends. It was a detective story about kidnapping and bad guys and stuff, with the usual sensual scenes that most video makers sprinkle into their films for the benefit of the male audience. So I figured that he's just a normal college student.
Then we read and critiqued his screen play which he wrote about spirits that follow people when they're about to die, and the main character dies and then comes back to haunt his friend... And I'm not a big fan of horror movies, so that one creeped me out a bit.
And then came this project that he and a few of my other friends worked on together... the end result was another movie in which the main character is killed (big surprise) by this weird guy (played by him). After the project was over, my friends complained to me about how much of a pain it was to work with him since he was such a control freak and selfish guy.
So I ended up with a pretty bad impression of this guy. Add on to that the fact that it seems like he tries to hit on girls, and then you've got a guy that I'm weirded out by.
So today we were talking about a Christian concert that he had gone to, and so I asked him if he was a Christian. And he said "Yeah" matter of factly. So I was surprised and I said "Oh" Then he was surprised that I was surprised and asked "Why? Did you not think I was a Christian?" To which I shrugged becuase I didnt know how to reply without judging him.
So I feel really bad for coming across as rude, but I was really genuinely shocked to find out that he was a beliver. So it was awkward, and my mind is still trying to get over that fact.
Then we read and critiqued his screen play which he wrote about spirits that follow people when they're about to die, and the main character dies and then comes back to haunt his friend... And I'm not a big fan of horror movies, so that one creeped me out a bit.
And then came this project that he and a few of my other friends worked on together... the end result was another movie in which the main character is killed (big surprise) by this weird guy (played by him). After the project was over, my friends complained to me about how much of a pain it was to work with him since he was such a control freak and selfish guy.
So I ended up with a pretty bad impression of this guy. Add on to that the fact that it seems like he tries to hit on girls, and then you've got a guy that I'm weirded out by.
So today we were talking about a Christian concert that he had gone to, and so I asked him if he was a Christian. And he said "Yeah" matter of factly. So I was surprised and I said "Oh" Then he was surprised that I was surprised and asked "Why? Did you not think I was a Christian?" To which I shrugged becuase I didnt know how to reply without judging him.
So I feel really bad for coming across as rude, but I was really genuinely shocked to find out that he was a beliver. So it was awkward, and my mind is still trying to get over that fact.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Burn the kingdoms I have made
"Your sacrifice is brokenness
A heart that's full of
Tenderness come and break me Lord
To seek You in Your righteousness
To find You in Your holiness
Come and take me Lord
That I could learn to trust You
In every way to love You
Strip away all that remains for Your glory and Your
Name 'til there's nothing left of me
Burn the kingdoms I have made that You would shine
And I would fade 'til there's nothing left of me
'til there's nothing left of me
Your Spirit is the only One that can conform me
To Your Son let Him move in me
Your grace is written deep in me
You've signed my heart to purity with Your holy blood
That I could learn to trust You
In every way to love You
Strip away all that remains for Your glory and Your
Name 'til there's nothing left of me
Burn the kingdoms I have made that You would shine
And I would fade 'til there's nothing left of me
'til there's nothing left of me "
A heart that's full of
Tenderness come and break me Lord
To seek You in Your righteousness
To find You in Your holiness
Come and take me Lord
That I could learn to trust You
In every way to love You
Strip away all that remains for Your glory and Your
Name 'til there's nothing left of me
Burn the kingdoms I have made that You would shine
And I would fade 'til there's nothing left of me
'til there's nothing left of me
Your Spirit is the only One that can conform me
To Your Son let Him move in me
Your grace is written deep in me
You've signed my heart to purity with Your holy blood
That I could learn to trust You
In every way to love You
Strip away all that remains for Your glory and Your
Name 'til there's nothing left of me
Burn the kingdoms I have made that You would shine
And I would fade 'til there's nothing left of me
'til there's nothing left of me "
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Trapped
I feel like I'm trapped. Being a college student forces me to be an adult. I'm taking care of my own courses, my own studying, and my own life. I manage what to study when, what to eat when and where, who I hang out with, and how I use my time. I'm forced to make a lot of my own decisions. Some times I make mistakes, but thats part of growing up. I'm loving this.
When I'm at school, I take care of myself, and I feel confident in what I am doing. When I come home, I have to get back into the mode of asking permission to do things. And when Mom reminds me to study, sleep, or do other things, I feel frustrated. I'm taking care of myself at school. Just because I'm at home doesn't mean that I've forgotten how to take care of my priorities.
I feel trapped. I want to make my own decisions. But everytime I want to do anything, Mom doesn't approve. I feel like she gets upset anytime I want to do anything away from home. I feel like she wants me home all the time, and doesn't like it when I stay at school. I feel like I'm sinning when I want to do something other than stay at home.
I'm disappointed. My friends came back from their far away colleges for the weekend, and we're all supposed to be hanging out tonight. But no, I wasn't allowed to go hang out with them. Why can't I make my own decisions of where I want to spend my time?
Mom said that I can hang out with them tomorrow after church, but no one is hanging out after church. Everyone is going home to study. So I can't hang out tomorrow. That's so frustrating! I could have hung out, but I wasn't allowed to. And when I'm allowed to, its too late. This same thing happened before everyone left fo college when we had our "last senior hangout". It's so frustrating. I just wish I wasn't trapped.
When I'm at school, I take care of myself, and I feel confident in what I am doing. When I come home, I have to get back into the mode of asking permission to do things. And when Mom reminds me to study, sleep, or do other things, I feel frustrated. I'm taking care of myself at school. Just because I'm at home doesn't mean that I've forgotten how to take care of my priorities.
I feel trapped. I want to make my own decisions. But everytime I want to do anything, Mom doesn't approve. I feel like she gets upset anytime I want to do anything away from home. I feel like she wants me home all the time, and doesn't like it when I stay at school. I feel like I'm sinning when I want to do something other than stay at home.
I'm disappointed. My friends came back from their far away colleges for the weekend, and we're all supposed to be hanging out tonight. But no, I wasn't allowed to go hang out with them. Why can't I make my own decisions of where I want to spend my time?
Mom said that I can hang out with them tomorrow after church, but no one is hanging out after church. Everyone is going home to study. So I can't hang out tomorrow. That's so frustrating! I could have hung out, but I wasn't allowed to. And when I'm allowed to, its too late. This same thing happened before everyone left fo college when we had our "last senior hangout". It's so frustrating. I just wish I wasn't trapped.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Self-Control
How my heart yearns to break loose
from the invisible ropes that bind
me inside this box
a prisoner inside my bubble
How I long to do whatever I feel like
without asking for permission
on the spur of the moment
just because
Without a logical explanation
and a structured plan
the freedom to do as I please
because I can
How I wish I was not blessed
with these practical ropes that bind:
responsibility, dependability,
loving parents who care
If only I could break free
throw all my cares out the window
and live moment by moment
satisfy my every desire
But I do not dare
take that reckless plunge
because the box that confines me
is guarded by me
I yearn to burst out
and I know that I can
but instead I chose
to keep myself bound
Inside this imaginary cage
called self-control.
from the invisible ropes that bind
me inside this box
a prisoner inside my bubble
How I long to do whatever I feel like
without asking for permission
on the spur of the moment
just because
Without a logical explanation
and a structured plan
the freedom to do as I please
because I can
How I wish I was not blessed
with these practical ropes that bind:
responsibility, dependability,
loving parents who care
If only I could break free
throw all my cares out the window
and live moment by moment
satisfy my every desire
But I do not dare
take that reckless plunge
because the box that confines me
is guarded by me
I yearn to burst out
and I know that I can
but instead I chose
to keep myself bound
Inside this imaginary cage
called self-control.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Content
I feel so contented right now. Even though there is so much going on in my life, I feel peaceful and confident that everything will turn out fine. God has given me so many wonderful blessings. I feel the joy bubbling out of me like a fountain. I want to shout to the world and tell everyone how happy I am! I have been so blessed! God has given me so many friends, and I'm especially grateful for the few that I treasure the most. I can just feel God's goodness today. I'm on the top of the mountan!
This past week has been an uphill struggle. So many times I've been so frustated. So many times I've cried while trying desperately to understand chemistry problems. Struggling to stay awake. Wresting with insecure thoughts.
But now, all the anguish has disappeared, and I've almost forgotten how stressed I have been. It's not as though all my problems have suddenly been solved. My problems are still here. But for some reason, today they seem so insignificant. Yes, I've failed yet another chemistry quiz. But what does that count for in eternity?
God loves me so much, and I am his beloved child. What else in life really matters?
From Psalm 73:
"25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds."
This past week has been an uphill struggle. So many times I've been so frustated. So many times I've cried while trying desperately to understand chemistry problems. Struggling to stay awake. Wresting with insecure thoughts.
But now, all the anguish has disappeared, and I've almost forgotten how stressed I have been. It's not as though all my problems have suddenly been solved. My problems are still here. But for some reason, today they seem so insignificant. Yes, I've failed yet another chemistry quiz. But what does that count for in eternity?
God loves me so much, and I am his beloved child. What else in life really matters?
From Psalm 73:
"25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds."
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Little Bits of Happiness
Am I relying on the little bits of happiness God gives me or on the deep joy that is found through a relationship with God Himself?
I find so many little bits of happiness, and I've been blessed with them more and more every day. Meeting new people thrills me. Finding out things that we have in common excites me. Climbing on the rock wall makes me forget about my studying. Breaking through the walls into the real feelings of a friend awes me. Playing improv acting games makes me laugh like I haven't laughed in a while. Hearing the memories and painful stories makes my heart hurt and my arms yearn to embrace...to wipe away the tears...to heal the hurts...
God has given me so many blessings. I especially treasure the blessing of my friend. I don't really know why I'm so intrigued by him. I respected him for his discipline and studious-ness, but I think what made me so curious is the fact that he's so hard to get to know. He has built a wall around himself, probably subconsciously, and his shyness keeps him from reaching out and making new friends. Quiet people intrigue me because they always have deep thoughts going on in their minds that they don't often share. I wonder what they're thinking and what they're like. It almost becomes my mission to gently break down the barriers and get through to the inside.
I feel like the walls are coming down and my friend has finally let me into his life. I've really enjoyed our conversations so much. He hides so much of who he is from everyone because he is so shy, so I feel so honored that he is talking to me and sharing with me. I feel like he trusts me. I think he's been hiding for so long because sharing your life makes you vulnerable, and I already know that he is a very sensitive person. I think he feels like he can be himself around me, and I really appreciate that. I love talking to and spending time with him because he is a real person and he acts real. Real friends share problems and encourage each other to deepen their walk with God. Being with a friend makes me happy.
God has given me so many little bits of happiness. And some big bits of happiness. But what are the things that I can keep and enjoy as gifts from God, and what are the toys that God wants me to give up to him? I remember a friend telling me that I need to give up my little bits of happiness to God. But are my bits of happiness wrong? Can't I still keep them? Why do I have to give them up? Didn't God give them to me for me to enjoy? Or does He want me to leave my toys on the shelf and never play with them?
I'm not sure whether to enjoy my little bits of happiness or feel guilty about them.
I find so many little bits of happiness, and I've been blessed with them more and more every day. Meeting new people thrills me. Finding out things that we have in common excites me. Climbing on the rock wall makes me forget about my studying. Breaking through the walls into the real feelings of a friend awes me. Playing improv acting games makes me laugh like I haven't laughed in a while. Hearing the memories and painful stories makes my heart hurt and my arms yearn to embrace...to wipe away the tears...to heal the hurts...
God has given me so many blessings. I especially treasure the blessing of my friend. I don't really know why I'm so intrigued by him. I respected him for his discipline and studious-ness, but I think what made me so curious is the fact that he's so hard to get to know. He has built a wall around himself, probably subconsciously, and his shyness keeps him from reaching out and making new friends. Quiet people intrigue me because they always have deep thoughts going on in their minds that they don't often share. I wonder what they're thinking and what they're like. It almost becomes my mission to gently break down the barriers and get through to the inside.
I feel like the walls are coming down and my friend has finally let me into his life. I've really enjoyed our conversations so much. He hides so much of who he is from everyone because he is so shy, so I feel so honored that he is talking to me and sharing with me. I feel like he trusts me. I think he's been hiding for so long because sharing your life makes you vulnerable, and I already know that he is a very sensitive person. I think he feels like he can be himself around me, and I really appreciate that. I love talking to and spending time with him because he is a real person and he acts real. Real friends share problems and encourage each other to deepen their walk with God. Being with a friend makes me happy.
God has given me so many little bits of happiness. And some big bits of happiness. But what are the things that I can keep and enjoy as gifts from God, and what are the toys that God wants me to give up to him? I remember a friend telling me that I need to give up my little bits of happiness to God. But are my bits of happiness wrong? Can't I still keep them? Why do I have to give them up? Didn't God give them to me for me to enjoy? Or does He want me to leave my toys on the shelf and never play with them?
I'm not sure whether to enjoy my little bits of happiness or feel guilty about them.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Gay
This is such a weird feeling. I've never really had friends who were gay, and its not a thing that I think about too much. But it feels so weird when I found out that a guy I'm friends with is gay. Not that I treat him any differently or love him any less, but it's just a weird feeling to know that. I've just never had any gay friends before. I just feel a little awkward.
Just because I believe that God didn't make people gay doesn't mean that I hate people who are gay or that I should treat them any less than I treat other people.
It's just so disconcerting to suddenly find out that a normal guy that you've known is gay. And then to talk about whether he thinks this guy or that guy is cute. I've never had this type of conversation with a guy before. And then he points out my other friend "See that guy over there? Yup, he's gay too. His boyfriend is so and so..." And then we talk about our professor: "Yeah, he's gay. He lives with another guy."
It's a new experience for me. I just feel a little odd.
Just because I believe that God didn't make people gay doesn't mean that I hate people who are gay or that I should treat them any less than I treat other people.
It's just so disconcerting to suddenly find out that a normal guy that you've known is gay. And then to talk about whether he thinks this guy or that guy is cute. I've never had this type of conversation with a guy before. And then he points out my other friend "See that guy over there? Yup, he's gay too. His boyfriend is so and so..." And then we talk about our professor: "Yeah, he's gay. He lives with another guy."
It's a new experience for me. I just feel a little odd.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Garbage
"Garbage in, garbage out"
So much junk flooding my senses. Bombarded from every side. I can't stop this stuff coming in. Does that mean that eventually it will come out of me?
Profanity ringing in my ears. I can't stop other people from cursing. I cringe when I hear it, but now the phrases are repeating themselves in my mind.
Provocative pictures and video etched in my memory. I can't help but see these things, but I wish that I didn't have these images replaying themselves in my mind.
How can I keep my heart pure in the midst of this? "May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You" The meditations of my heart are so distracted by all this garbage.
The most effective way to keep my mind pure is to stay away from these things. But how do I know what I can handle and what I need to respectfully stay away from? I can humbly ask others not to curse, and I can regretfully decline seeing a movie, but where do I draw the line?
Where is the line between guarding my heart and being legalistic?
""Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. "
1 Corinthians 6:12
So much junk flooding my senses. Bombarded from every side. I can't stop this stuff coming in. Does that mean that eventually it will come out of me?
Profanity ringing in my ears. I can't stop other people from cursing. I cringe when I hear it, but now the phrases are repeating themselves in my mind.
Provocative pictures and video etched in my memory. I can't help but see these things, but I wish that I didn't have these images replaying themselves in my mind.
How can I keep my heart pure in the midst of this? "May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You" The meditations of my heart are so distracted by all this garbage.
The most effective way to keep my mind pure is to stay away from these things. But how do I know what I can handle and what I need to respectfully stay away from? I can humbly ask others not to curse, and I can regretfully decline seeing a movie, but where do I draw the line?
Where is the line between guarding my heart and being legalistic?
""Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. "
1 Corinthians 6:12
Monday, September 22, 2008
Desire
This is not a wrong desire. God made me with this desire, and He intends to fulfil it at the right time and in the right way. God made me with the desire for companionship, intimacy, protection, and love. These are not wrong desires.
What is wrong is when I seek to fulfil these desires in the wrong ways. God is all sufficient, and there is no One that I should desire more than Him. When I abide in my relationship with God, my Creator, I am complete. God is my all in all.
Why can't my heart embrace that? Why do I still look for fulfilment else where? Why does my heart find a sinful human being and exalt him on a pedestal? Why do I insist on decieving myself that one person can satisfy my desires?
Only God deserves to be worshipped. No one else deserves that obsession in my life. May God break down all my idols and place a burning passion in my heart for Him alone.
<3
What is wrong is when I seek to fulfil these desires in the wrong ways. God is all sufficient, and there is no One that I should desire more than Him. When I abide in my relationship with God, my Creator, I am complete. God is my all in all.
Why can't my heart embrace that? Why do I still look for fulfilment else where? Why does my heart find a sinful human being and exalt him on a pedestal? Why do I insist on decieving myself that one person can satisfy my desires?
Only God deserves to be worshipped. No one else deserves that obsession in my life. May God break down all my idols and place a burning passion in my heart for Him alone.
<3
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Lonely
Dear God,
I feel lonely again. I know that I shouldn't feel lonely, but my emotions don't always listen to my head. I don't have any reason to be lonely because I am not alone. I'm living with my family at home, and I have plenty of classmates at school. I even have a few really good friends who I have amazing fellowship with.
Then why do I feel lonely? I'm always studying and doing homework and going to class. I feel like that's my whole life. Which it is, I guess. I know that You put me here for a reason, and Your job for me right now is to study and learn. It's just a bit lonely when I shut myself up to study and hang out with my textbooks.
God, thank You so much for the friends that I do have. Thank You for the few people that I've met who are also serious about studying and who also love You. Please give me the chance to continue these friendships and also help me to be a blessing to everyone that you bring into my life.
Thank You for always loving me. I know that I am never alone because You are always there for me. Thank you for Psalm 139!
Love,
Me
"7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. "
Psalm 139
I feel lonely again. I know that I shouldn't feel lonely, but my emotions don't always listen to my head. I don't have any reason to be lonely because I am not alone. I'm living with my family at home, and I have plenty of classmates at school. I even have a few really good friends who I have amazing fellowship with.
Then why do I feel lonely? I'm always studying and doing homework and going to class. I feel like that's my whole life. Which it is, I guess. I know that You put me here for a reason, and Your job for me right now is to study and learn. It's just a bit lonely when I shut myself up to study and hang out with my textbooks.
God, thank You so much for the friends that I do have. Thank You for the few people that I've met who are also serious about studying and who also love You. Please give me the chance to continue these friendships and also help me to be a blessing to everyone that you bring into my life.
Thank You for always loving me. I know that I am never alone because You are always there for me. Thank you for Psalm 139!
Love,
Me
"7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. "
Psalm 139
Ivy Orchestra
I'm back in Ivy Orchestra again this year! I'm not sure why Mrs. Booth put me in the first violins because I can't play the music, so I just hid in the back row today and sightread (or at least pretended like I was). I haven't played my violin since May, so I'm really rusty.
I enjoyed rehearsal so much because it's been so long since I've made music with people. I didn't realize how much I love music until I stopped making music. Ever since I graduated high school, I've pretty much stopped music. No more piano or violin lessons, no more A Capella Choir, no more orchestra...
I didn't realize how much I love it all until I lost it all.I miss music. I miss making music with people. I can't join the orchestra at school because I'm not a music major, and I can't join choir because I have a class during that time. So no music at school... =[ But at least I get to play in Ivy Orch. Yay for Ivy!
Now if only I could play the first violin part... I have a lot of practiing to do.
Chemistry
Dear God,
Why is chemistry so hard for me? Why don't I understand it? I pay attention in class, I do the homework, I go to every help session, I go to the professor's office, I ask Dad for help...
and I still don't understand it!
God, why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I understand this? I am so tired of trying so hard. My head hurts from thinking so hard. My eyes hurt from staying up late to work chemistry problems.
I can't do this anymore. I can't do anything by myself. I need you so much. Without you, I'll never pass this course. God, I need your help. I need your rest. I give this burden all up to you. Please take it and do what you will with me.
Love,
Me
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30
Why is chemistry so hard for me? Why don't I understand it? I pay attention in class, I do the homework, I go to every help session, I go to the professor's office, I ask Dad for help...
and I still don't understand it!
God, why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I understand this? I am so tired of trying so hard. My head hurts from thinking so hard. My eyes hurt from staying up late to work chemistry problems.
I can't do this anymore. I can't do anything by myself. I need you so much. Without you, I'll never pass this course. God, I need your help. I need your rest. I give this burden all up to you. Please take it and do what you will with me.
Love,
Me
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30
Friday, September 19, 2008
The Overwhelming
My "Arts in the Cultural Context" class is going to watch the Theatre Department's Production of "The Overwhelming" together on Wednesday, so our assignment for this week is to read the script. The book is on reserve in the arts library, so I checked out the book and snuggled in a cozy corner of the library to read it.
2 hours later I staggered out of the library in a daze. I felt like I had taken a dive into the story and was now washed up, sputtering on the shore. The story is intense. It took me to Rwanda back into the time right before the massive genocide. An American family enters the setting with the idea that they can make a difference. They believe that they have the power to stop injustice and save the innocent people from death. They soon realize that they are powerless to stop the inevitable killing, and their hopes for justice are dashed.
As I walked home alone in the dark, my mind whirled. The anguish of the thousands of helpless innocent people burdened my heart. So many people in pain, yet those who want to help are powerless to save them. People want to make a difference and alleviate the pain, but can one person really make a difference? The characters in "The Overwhelming" thought that they could, but they all failed. None of them were able to save anyone.
My heart hurts for those in pain. I yearn to run to them and help them. But can one person really make a difference? Or will I be forced to watch them, powerless to help them, as they suffer?
Dear God,
I'm overwhelmed. My heart hurts so much for the people in pain. I feel so much for them that I'm hurting too. I feel so alone and helpless. God, please comfort me. I need to feel Your arms around me. You know the pain and loneliness that I'm feeling. I believe that You have everything in the palm of your hand. Nothing can happen unless you lovingly allow it to happen. God, please comfort me and continue to prepare me for the work that you have for me to do someday. Please keep training me and breaking me so that I rely on You and nothing else. I love you.
Love,
Me
2 hours later I staggered out of the library in a daze. I felt like I had taken a dive into the story and was now washed up, sputtering on the shore. The story is intense. It took me to Rwanda back into the time right before the massive genocide. An American family enters the setting with the idea that they can make a difference. They believe that they have the power to stop injustice and save the innocent people from death. They soon realize that they are powerless to stop the inevitable killing, and their hopes for justice are dashed.
As I walked home alone in the dark, my mind whirled. The anguish of the thousands of helpless innocent people burdened my heart. So many people in pain, yet those who want to help are powerless to save them. People want to make a difference and alleviate the pain, but can one person really make a difference? The characters in "The Overwhelming" thought that they could, but they all failed. None of them were able to save anyone.
My heart hurts for those in pain. I yearn to run to them and help them. But can one person really make a difference? Or will I be forced to watch them, powerless to help them, as they suffer?
Dear God,
I'm overwhelmed. My heart hurts so much for the people in pain. I feel so much for them that I'm hurting too. I feel so alone and helpless. God, please comfort me. I need to feel Your arms around me. You know the pain and loneliness that I'm feeling. I believe that You have everything in the palm of your hand. Nothing can happen unless you lovingly allow it to happen. God, please comfort me and continue to prepare me for the work that you have for me to do someday. Please keep training me and breaking me so that I rely on You and nothing else. I love you.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Shared Vision
God is always bringing me such lovely unexpected surprises! Our God is an AWESOME God!
I was walking with a random classmate after rock climbing class and talking about pre-med, and then I found out that he is also a believer and also has a passion for overseas medical missions. It was so encouraging for me to find another person with the same vision that I have. I hardly ever meet people who want to be missionaries, let alone medical missionaries.
It's amazing how God orchestrates life so that I "randomly" meet all these encouraging people!
I was walking with a random classmate after rock climbing class and talking about pre-med, and then I found out that he is also a believer and also has a passion for overseas medical missions. It was so encouraging for me to find another person with the same vision that I have. I hardly ever meet people who want to be missionaries, let alone medical missionaries.
It's amazing how God orchestrates life so that I "randomly" meet all these encouraging people!
Thanks
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
Thanks be to GOD for the victory! Praise God for the 93 on my pre-cal test and my 96 on my biology test. Thanks be to GOD because HE gives me the victory!
Therefore, I must stand firm and give myself fully to this work that HE has given me here. My labor is not in vain! My hours of studying are not in vain! My sleep deprivation is not in vain! Thanks be to God, he gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!
AMEN!
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
Thanks be to GOD for the victory! Praise God for the 93 on my pre-cal test and my 96 on my biology test. Thanks be to GOD because HE gives me the victory!
Therefore, I must stand firm and give myself fully to this work that HE has given me here. My labor is not in vain! My hours of studying are not in vain! My sleep deprivation is not in vain! Thanks be to God, he gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!
AMEN!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Lunch
Ate lunch with a friend today. I had just finished chem lab and was wishing that I could meet up wth someone when I bumped into him. We ended up eating lunch together and chatting. I've been wanting to get to know him better, but I hardly ever see him outside of class. He seems like a really cool person to get to know.
He seems shy until you start talking to him, and then he opens up. He seems like a dedicated Christian, but of course, I can't be the one to judge. I can already tell that he studies a lot, and I respect him for that. I wish I was on top of all my classes like he is. He isn't afraid to be alone, and I think he enjoys being by himself. I'm always intrigued by people who are quiet, and this case is no exception. I guess I wonder what is going on inside their minds since they don’t go around telling everyone everything like I do. Usually people who are reserved have profound and deep things to say when they do talk. He seems like a very deep thinker, and I’m sure he is creative because that comes out through his art.
I miss artsy people. I miss making music. I miss singing. I love art. I love expressing my emotions through this beautiful language. Making music always makes me feel better. Catharsis. That’s the word. For me, making music is a catharsism.
When I get home, I am going to play my violin.
He seems shy until you start talking to him, and then he opens up. He seems like a dedicated Christian, but of course, I can't be the one to judge. I can already tell that he studies a lot, and I respect him for that. I wish I was on top of all my classes like he is. He isn't afraid to be alone, and I think he enjoys being by himself. I'm always intrigued by people who are quiet, and this case is no exception. I guess I wonder what is going on inside their minds since they don’t go around telling everyone everything like I do. Usually people who are reserved have profound and deep things to say when they do talk. He seems like a very deep thinker, and I’m sure he is creative because that comes out through his art.
I miss artsy people. I miss making music. I miss singing. I love art. I love expressing my emotions through this beautiful language. Making music always makes me feel better. Catharsis. That’s the word. For me, making music is a catharsism.
When I get home, I am going to play my violin.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sleep Deprivation
I've gotten about 15 hours of sleep in the past 3 days...
My head hurts, and all I want to do is snuggle in my blankets and sleep. I tried so hard to stay awake today in bio, but it was so hard to keep my eyes open. I never actually fell asleep, but I don't remember anything from the lecture. I tried to take notes, but my brain wasn't awake enough to tell my hands how to write, so my scribbles are undecipherable.
I wish that I could learn without having to worry about grades. I'm staying up late finishing assignments and studying for tests, but when it's time to learn from a lecture, I can't stay awake enough to understand what the professor is talking about.
My head hurts so much. I can't wait to go to sleep. I wish I could just lie in bed and rest. No more stress. ah.
My head hurts, and all I want to do is snuggle in my blankets and sleep. I tried so hard to stay awake today in bio, but it was so hard to keep my eyes open. I never actually fell asleep, but I don't remember anything from the lecture. I tried to take notes, but my brain wasn't awake enough to tell my hands how to write, so my scribbles are undecipherable.
I wish that I could learn without having to worry about grades. I'm staying up late finishing assignments and studying for tests, but when it's time to learn from a lecture, I can't stay awake enough to understand what the professor is talking about.
My head hurts so much. I can't wait to go to sleep. I wish I could just lie in bed and rest. No more stress. ah.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Another Cinderella Story
I just watched "Another Cinderella Story" directed by Damon Santostefano (2008). I really enjoyed the movie, but this one definately fits under the "chick flick" category. I personally love these types of comedy/romance/musicals, but I know a lot of people don't. The choreography of the dancing was amazing, and the cinematography was too. The plot was definately old because it was just another cinderella story, but I enjoyed all the modernized twists.
In my "Arts in their cultural context" class, we just finished reading and discussing Rousseau's "Politics and the Arts". Rousseau makes an argument that theatre is an art that is too powerful and dangerous for the people. He basically argues that theatre is harmful to the community because it stirs up desires and breeds discontent. The whole book is about why theatre is bad and should be banned.
While I don't agree with Rousseau's final conclusion, I have to agree with a few of his points. When you see and experience something good that you don't have, chances are, you will want it. When we apply this arguement to the art of Cinema, we end up with the question: What affect does watching a movie have on a person?
What affect did the "Another Cinderella Story" have on me? I love watching romance stories because I love happy endings when the guy and girl finally get together and live happily ever after. The problem is, seeing these perfect stories makes me wish that I had a "prince charming" who would sweep me off my feet and carry me off into the sunset. Reality check! Those kind of things only happen in stories.
Watching these movies always makes me wish that I had a guy. The hardest part is not that I can't have a guy...it's that I choose not to. I know in my head that God has an amazing guy for me, and that at the right time, God will put us together. And I know that now is not the right time. Although I would love to have a guy who would take care of me and all that romantic stuff, I can't waste my time or give away my heart too early. It's so hard to stay focused when guys express interest in me because even though my head knows what I should do, my heart wants to have a romantic relationship.
When I watch romantic movies, I always end up impatient for my own perfect guy. I'm commited to saving myself for my guy, so I know that I won't go out and get a boyfriend anytime soon. But since I know that chick flicks make me discontent, does that mean that I should not watch them?
In my "Arts in their cultural context" class, we just finished reading and discussing Rousseau's "Politics and the Arts". Rousseau makes an argument that theatre is an art that is too powerful and dangerous for the people. He basically argues that theatre is harmful to the community because it stirs up desires and breeds discontent. The whole book is about why theatre is bad and should be banned.
While I don't agree with Rousseau's final conclusion, I have to agree with a few of his points. When you see and experience something good that you don't have, chances are, you will want it. When we apply this arguement to the art of Cinema, we end up with the question: What affect does watching a movie have on a person?
What affect did the "Another Cinderella Story" have on me? I love watching romance stories because I love happy endings when the guy and girl finally get together and live happily ever after. The problem is, seeing these perfect stories makes me wish that I had a "prince charming" who would sweep me off my feet and carry me off into the sunset. Reality check! Those kind of things only happen in stories.
Watching these movies always makes me wish that I had a guy. The hardest part is not that I can't have a guy...it's that I choose not to. I know in my head that God has an amazing guy for me, and that at the right time, God will put us together. And I know that now is not the right time. Although I would love to have a guy who would take care of me and all that romantic stuff, I can't waste my time or give away my heart too early. It's so hard to stay focused when guys express interest in me because even though my head knows what I should do, my heart wants to have a romantic relationship.
When I watch romantic movies, I always end up impatient for my own perfect guy. I'm commited to saving myself for my guy, so I know that I won't go out and get a boyfriend anytime soon. But since I know that chick flicks make me discontent, does that mean that I should not watch them?
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Quiet Spirit
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."
1 Peter 3:3-4
I came across this passage in my devotions this morning. A gentle and quiet spirit... Do I have a gentle and quiet spirit?
I'm thinking about Daniel. He has a gentle and quiet spirit, and when you converse with him, you can just feel that he is genuine. A quiet spirit shows depth of thought and meaning. When I chatter a mile a minute, idle words can slip out so easily.
Do I come across to people as too care free? If my spirit is not gentle and quiet, I will seem flippant, and others will feel like I'm not being real.
I need to listen more than I talk, remember people and their names, and become involved in the things that they care about. Basically, I need to put other people first in all relationships and conversations.
A gentle and quiet spirit... This is what I wish to have.
1 Peter 3:3-4
I came across this passage in my devotions this morning. A gentle and quiet spirit... Do I have a gentle and quiet spirit?
I'm thinking about Daniel. He has a gentle and quiet spirit, and when you converse with him, you can just feel that he is genuine. A quiet spirit shows depth of thought and meaning. When I chatter a mile a minute, idle words can slip out so easily.
Do I come across to people as too care free? If my spirit is not gentle and quiet, I will seem flippant, and others will feel like I'm not being real.
I need to listen more than I talk, remember people and their names, and become involved in the things that they care about. Basically, I need to put other people first in all relationships and conversations.
A gentle and quiet spirit... This is what I wish to have.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Dedicate
I dedicate this laptop to God. This laptop doesn't belong to me anymore. This belongs to God. If God continues to allow me to use this, I will praise Him and use this gratefully. If He takes this away, I will still praise Him because this belongs to Him and not to me.
I dedicate my time to God. My time is not my own. My time all belongs to God. I will do my best to listen to and follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit. When God tells me to do something, I will do it. My time belongs to God.
I dedicate my life to God. This life is not my own. My life belongs to God. I surrender all my desires and dreams. Not my will, but Yours be done, Lord. I am no longer the master of my life. YOU sit on my throne.
I dedicate my time to God. My time is not my own. My time all belongs to God. I will do my best to listen to and follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit. When God tells me to do something, I will do it. My time belongs to God.
I dedicate my life to God. This life is not my own. My life belongs to God. I surrender all my desires and dreams. Not my will, but Yours be done, Lord. I am no longer the master of my life. YOU sit on my throne.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Distraction
I am so distracted!
What is going on with me? I've never had any problem with this before, but now I feel like my mind is going crazy. I've made a commitment to myself and God, that I will wait for His best and His timing. I know that now is definately not the time to get involved in a romantic relationship. Why am I all of a sudden noticing every cute guy I meet? That is so annoying. Why does my mind keep bringing nice guys to my attention? There's no use thinking about it, because I know that I won't act on it. I need to think about more important things than the cute guy in my class.
No more thinking about guys...I need to STUDY!
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
1 Peter 1:6-7
What is going on with me? I've never had any problem with this before, but now I feel like my mind is going crazy. I've made a commitment to myself and God, that I will wait for His best and His timing. I know that now is definately not the time to get involved in a romantic relationship. Why am I all of a sudden noticing every cute guy I meet? That is so annoying. Why does my mind keep bringing nice guys to my attention? There's no use thinking about it, because I know that I won't act on it. I need to think about more important things than the cute guy in my class.
No more thinking about guys...I need to STUDY!
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
1 Peter 1:6-7
Friday, September 5, 2008
Weary
“Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.”
Isaiah 40:28-31
Dear God,
I’m so tired and weary. I’m physically tired, emotionally weary, and mentally drained from these past 2 weeks. Chem and Pre-cal are so hard. Well, I guess they’re not really that hard. It’s just that everything is new concepts, and I don’t understand everything that is going on.
God, I’m so frustrated. I feel like I’m studying so hard, but I can’t understand the material. I study more than other people, but they’re doing better than me in class. I must not be studying in the right way or something. How can Ryan be so last minute and care-free but still make a 95 on the Chem quiz? He barely studied at all. I studied and worked on the equations for so many hours and I got a 70! Why am I not doing well?
I guess I’m used to always doing well in my classes. It’s so frustrating when I’m not making A’s. I’m so used to doing well in everything, but now I’ve found challenges that are bigger than me.
God, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t handle it on my own. I can’t rely on my own strength. I admit that I need Your help. Without You, I’m doomed to fail.
Please help me. You are my only hope. Please give me Your strength.
“Those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.”
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.”
Isaiah 40:28-31
Dear God,
I’m so tired and weary. I’m physically tired, emotionally weary, and mentally drained from these past 2 weeks. Chem and Pre-cal are so hard. Well, I guess they’re not really that hard. It’s just that everything is new concepts, and I don’t understand everything that is going on.
God, I’m so frustrated. I feel like I’m studying so hard, but I can’t understand the material. I study more than other people, but they’re doing better than me in class. I must not be studying in the right way or something. How can Ryan be so last minute and care-free but still make a 95 on the Chem quiz? He barely studied at all. I studied and worked on the equations for so many hours and I got a 70! Why am I not doing well?
I guess I’m used to always doing well in my classes. It’s so frustrating when I’m not making A’s. I’m so used to doing well in everything, but now I’ve found challenges that are bigger than me.
God, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t handle it on my own. I can’t rely on my own strength. I admit that I need Your help. Without You, I’m doomed to fail.
Please help me. You are my only hope. Please give me Your strength.
“Those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.”
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