I injured my knees in the June of 2007. I waited for it to get better, but after many months, it not only got worse, but my lower back and hips started to hurt too. I visited a chiropractor and a physiotherapist. The treatments that they gave me helped the pain, but it didn't solve the problem and eliminate the injury.
After 9 months of trying to ignore the pain, I finally went to an Orthopaedist who x-rayed my knees and diagnosed me with bilateral patella pain syndrome and sent me to a physical therapist. I went to the physical therapist 2 times a week for a few months and we worked on strengthening my hip muscles because he said that the root of the problem was my flexible hips. When I ran too much, the running muscles got strong but my interior hip muscles did not. Because my hips are so flexible, the stronger and tighter running muscles overppower the weaker stabalizing muscles and pull my hip all out of allignment. This is what they thought was causing me pain in the hip and referred pain in the knees. By the time I was finished with the physical theraphy, my pain levels had been significantly reduced, though not eliminated. Even though the pain was almost gone, it was still there, so I knew that I was not completely healed.
I started having pain in many other areas of my body including my hands and jaw. In July of 2008, I finally asked my general practitioner about all my pain, so she sent me to get some blood tests done because she thought I might have arthritis. The blood tests came back normal and ruled out that possibility, but I have not gone to see her about it since, so i don't know what else could be causing this pain.
When this semester started, I had occasional pain in my knees. Not enough to bother me too much, but just enough to let me know that it was still there. As the semester progressed, my pain began to get worse. My lower back and hips started hurting again. I could feel my body giving me more pain week by week.
Today, my knees hurt so much. I don't know what triggered it, but it may have been from when I ran. My knees are hurtng so much right now. The left knee pops when I bend it if there is weight on it, and it hurts even when I bend it without weight. I think it may be hurting as much as when I originally injured it.
-Oh what a stupid stupid stupid injury. I'm so sick and tired of you popping up all the time. Why can't you just go away and leave me alone? Why do you insist on hanging around all the time and giving me pain?-
I'm going to see a TMJ doctor on Wednesday morning. I hope that he will be able to figure out whats wrong with my jaw and whether it may be a system-wide problem. I can't wait. I hate being in pain without knowing what is wrong with me.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Avoiding you
I'm avoiding you. Sorry.
I'm making a conscious decision to avoid you, I guess because I don't want talk to you. I don't want to have to talk to you because I don't have anything to say to you.
You may not even know that I'm avoiding you. That's ok. I don't care anymore. You can be stuck in your own selfish world for all I care. I'm not going to make the effort to go seek you out and talk to you. I'm not going to spend the effort on you anymore. I bet you wont even know because you're so stuck in your own world. You probably don't even care enough to initiate a conversation with me, and you won't even notice that I'm not around to listen to you.
I know I'm sounding really harsh, but the only reason why I can say exactly how I feel is because I know that you will never read this.
I'm avoiding you because I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you because I am hurt. I've been betrayed, and I am hurt.
But, its entirely my own fault. You didn't betray me. You didn't fail me. But you did betray who I thought you were. You did fail who I thought you were. It was my own fault for thinking so highly of you. It was my own fault for putting you up on a pedistal. But you are not who I made you to be. You are a sinful, selfish, human being like the rest of us. I set myself up to be hurt. And now I have been hurt.
I'm not mad at you. I've forgiven anything that you've done.
I just don't feel like talking to you. Beacuse it hurts when I see you. And I just have nothing to say to you anymore.
Maybe as time heals my wounds, I'll be able to talk to you again. Maybe our friendship will be stronger because of this. But right now, I'm just too hurt to talk to you. So I'm avoiding you. The end.
I'm making a conscious decision to avoid you, I guess because I don't want talk to you. I don't want to have to talk to you because I don't have anything to say to you.
You may not even know that I'm avoiding you. That's ok. I don't care anymore. You can be stuck in your own selfish world for all I care. I'm not going to make the effort to go seek you out and talk to you. I'm not going to spend the effort on you anymore. I bet you wont even know because you're so stuck in your own world. You probably don't even care enough to initiate a conversation with me, and you won't even notice that I'm not around to listen to you.
I know I'm sounding really harsh, but the only reason why I can say exactly how I feel is because I know that you will never read this.
I'm avoiding you because I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you because I am hurt. I've been betrayed, and I am hurt.
But, its entirely my own fault. You didn't betray me. You didn't fail me. But you did betray who I thought you were. You did fail who I thought you were. It was my own fault for thinking so highly of you. It was my own fault for putting you up on a pedistal. But you are not who I made you to be. You are a sinful, selfish, human being like the rest of us. I set myself up to be hurt. And now I have been hurt.
I'm not mad at you. I've forgiven anything that you've done.
I just don't feel like talking to you. Beacuse it hurts when I see you. And I just have nothing to say to you anymore.
Maybe as time heals my wounds, I'll be able to talk to you again. Maybe our friendship will be stronger because of this. But right now, I'm just too hurt to talk to you. So I'm avoiding you. The end.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Broken Promises
I don't understand. I am so frustrated. What is going on? Why can't this go on? It's all ready. Everything is ready.
I've worked so hard to get everything organized and ready for this project. I spent so much thought working every detail out and creating schedules to fit everyone else's schedules. I spent so much time contacting people and trying to get actors and extras. I've borrowed a camera and a tripod. I've gotten the props, printed out the scripts, set everything up. I've worked SO HARD! Is this all for nothing? Is this all to go to waste?
Where is the commitment? I thought I had commitments from people, but I guess I was wrong. Yes, I am annoyed at her. Yes, I am annoyed at him.
You've said so many times about how you are so excited to make this film. You've said that you would be available all day and that you would be committed to this film. Where is that commitment? It's all words. All empty words. Now you can't film all day because you're acting in someone else's movie. Well that's ok, I'll work around your schedule. But why are you so committed to that project at the expense of your commitment to this project? Why are you breaking these commitments that you made to me? Does this project mean nothing to you? This is a group project. THIS IS NOT MY PROJECT! We decided to do this together. We're working together as a group. WHY AM I DOING ALL THE WORK? I don't mind doing all the work, but I expect that you would at least translate your excitement for this project into some commitment for what you said that you would do. You are full of excitement but so unreliable. I can't count on you.
I am so upset right now that I am tempted to say that I hate the circumstances. But I CAN'T say that because God is in control. To say that I hate what is happening is to say that I hate what God is doing. And I can't say that. God knows what He is doing even when I don't know.
And I know that God works out all things for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes.
God never breaks His promises.
I've worked so hard to get everything organized and ready for this project. I spent so much thought working every detail out and creating schedules to fit everyone else's schedules. I spent so much time contacting people and trying to get actors and extras. I've borrowed a camera and a tripod. I've gotten the props, printed out the scripts, set everything up. I've worked SO HARD! Is this all for nothing? Is this all to go to waste?
Where is the commitment? I thought I had commitments from people, but I guess I was wrong. Yes, I am annoyed at her. Yes, I am annoyed at him.
You've said so many times about how you are so excited to make this film. You've said that you would be available all day and that you would be committed to this film. Where is that commitment? It's all words. All empty words. Now you can't film all day because you're acting in someone else's movie. Well that's ok, I'll work around your schedule. But why are you so committed to that project at the expense of your commitment to this project? Why are you breaking these commitments that you made to me? Does this project mean nothing to you? This is a group project. THIS IS NOT MY PROJECT! We decided to do this together. We're working together as a group. WHY AM I DOING ALL THE WORK? I don't mind doing all the work, but I expect that you would at least translate your excitement for this project into some commitment for what you said that you would do. You are full of excitement but so unreliable. I can't count on you.
I am so upset right now that I am tempted to say that I hate the circumstances. But I CAN'T say that because God is in control. To say that I hate what is happening is to say that I hate what God is doing. And I can't say that. God knows what He is doing even when I don't know.
And I know that God works out all things for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes.
God never breaks His promises.
Director
I am so stressed. I do NOT want to be a director again. This has been such a frustrating experience, and I'm so stressed.
Getting a camera, getting a tripod. Working with the writer of the script, editing the script. Finding actors, casting characters. Subdividing scenes, making a shooting order. Planning sets, creating a shooting schedule. Picking shooting days, picking times. Creating a call sheet, working around people's schedules. Creating a prop list, a costume list. Finding the props, emailing lots of people to ask for extras. Having people change up their availability, reworking the schedules. Trying to get this film made while pleasing everyone at the same time. Making decisions.
I'm so stressed I think I'm going to go crazy. I'm so stressed that I've been having heartburn all day. I hate being a director, assistant director, producer, casting director, prop manager, costume design, and cinematographer all at the same time. I do NOT want to do this ever again!
Argh. =/
Dear God,
I'm so stressed. But I don't need to be. I need to let go. I know that You are in control and that You will always work things out for the best.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29
God, please take this yolk from me. I am too burdened. Please give me Your rest. I trust that you will work all things for the good of them who seek you, of them who are the called according to your purpose.
Love,
Me <3
Getting a camera, getting a tripod. Working with the writer of the script, editing the script. Finding actors, casting characters. Subdividing scenes, making a shooting order. Planning sets, creating a shooting schedule. Picking shooting days, picking times. Creating a call sheet, working around people's schedules. Creating a prop list, a costume list. Finding the props, emailing lots of people to ask for extras. Having people change up their availability, reworking the schedules. Trying to get this film made while pleasing everyone at the same time. Making decisions.
I'm so stressed I think I'm going to go crazy. I'm so stressed that I've been having heartburn all day. I hate being a director, assistant director, producer, casting director, prop manager, costume design, and cinematographer all at the same time. I do NOT want to do this ever again!
Argh. =/
Dear God,
I'm so stressed. But I don't need to be. I need to let go. I know that You are in control and that You will always work things out for the best.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29
God, please take this yolk from me. I am too burdened. Please give me Your rest. I trust that you will work all things for the good of them who seek you, of them who are the called according to your purpose.
Love,
Me <3
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Hearts and Minds
In film class this morning we watched a documentary on the Vietnam War entitled HEARTS AND MINDS. I had heard a few things about this documentary, so I expected to see some painful scenes. I was prepared for the shots of bombings, soldiers, chaos, and other typical war shots.
What I was NOT prepared for was the juxtaposition of the 2 worlds. The film did an amazing job of showing the two parallel but separate worlds: The glorified war in America and the gruesome reality in Vietnam. An interview of an air force pilot who said that he dropped bombs because he enjoyed it was followed by shots of the destruction of bomb and the havoc it wrecked on the simple village folk. A shot of the survivors of a bombing wandering around the rubble that used to be their homes and wailing in anguish for their lost loved ones was followed by a shot of an American man in a lush, peaceful park saying "Well you see, for the Oriental, life is cheap". I wanted to throw up.
There were shots of people mourning and crying for their lost family and friends. A father cried hysterically, "They killed my 8 year old daughter and my 3 year old son!" He pointed to a pile of rubble. "That is where she died. She was feeding the pigs. The pigs...they're alive. She...she is dead. She was so sweet. They killed her. Nixon killed my daughter!" He pointed offscreen. "You see that shirt? That was my daughter's shirt. The shirt that she will never wear again. Take that to America! Show them the shirt that my daughter will never wear again!"
A young boy clung to a photograph of his father and sobbed uncontrollably. His crying was inconsolable because his dad was gone, and his sobs were heartrending. This was a real boy who would never see his dad again. His cries tore at me. I cried.
_____________________________
For the rest of the morning I was haunted by the intimate pain I had experienced, and a song kept playing in my head: Prayer of the Children. I sang this song many years ago in an A Cappella Choir, but I still remember it clearly. The cries of so many helpless people have been tugging at my heart all day...
Please listen to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTZFIcqnQMg&feature=related
Prayer of the Children
"Can you hear the prayer of the children?
On bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room
Empty eyes with no more tears to cry
Turning heavenward toward the light
Crying Jesus, help me
To see the morning light-of one more day
But if I should die before I wake,
I pray my soul to take
Can you feel the hearts of the children?
Aching for home, for something of their very own
Reaching hands, with nothing to hold on to,
But hope for a better day a better day
Crying Jesus, help me
To feel the love again in my own land
But if unknown roads lead away from home,
Give me loving arms, away from harm
Can you hear the voice of the children?
Softly pleading for silence in a shattered world?
Angry guns preach a gospel full of hate,
Blood of the innocent on their hands
Crying Jesus, help me
To feel the sun again upon my face,
For when darkness clears I know you're near,
Bringing peace again
Dali cujete sve djecje molitive?
Can you hear the prayer of the children?"
What I was NOT prepared for was the juxtaposition of the 2 worlds. The film did an amazing job of showing the two parallel but separate worlds: The glorified war in America and the gruesome reality in Vietnam. An interview of an air force pilot who said that he dropped bombs because he enjoyed it was followed by shots of the destruction of bomb and the havoc it wrecked on the simple village folk. A shot of the survivors of a bombing wandering around the rubble that used to be their homes and wailing in anguish for their lost loved ones was followed by a shot of an American man in a lush, peaceful park saying "Well you see, for the Oriental, life is cheap". I wanted to throw up.
There were shots of people mourning and crying for their lost family and friends. A father cried hysterically, "They killed my 8 year old daughter and my 3 year old son!" He pointed to a pile of rubble. "That is where she died. She was feeding the pigs. The pigs...they're alive. She...she is dead. She was so sweet. They killed her. Nixon killed my daughter!" He pointed offscreen. "You see that shirt? That was my daughter's shirt. The shirt that she will never wear again. Take that to America! Show them the shirt that my daughter will never wear again!"
A young boy clung to a photograph of his father and sobbed uncontrollably. His crying was inconsolable because his dad was gone, and his sobs were heartrending. This was a real boy who would never see his dad again. His cries tore at me. I cried.
_____________________________
For the rest of the morning I was haunted by the intimate pain I had experienced, and a song kept playing in my head: Prayer of the Children. I sang this song many years ago in an A Cappella Choir, but I still remember it clearly. The cries of so many helpless people have been tugging at my heart all day...
Please listen to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTZFIcqnQMg&feature=related
Prayer of the Children
"Can you hear the prayer of the children?
On bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room
Empty eyes with no more tears to cry
Turning heavenward toward the light
Crying Jesus, help me
To see the morning light-of one more day
But if I should die before I wake,
I pray my soul to take
Can you feel the hearts of the children?
Aching for home, for something of their very own
Reaching hands, with nothing to hold on to,
But hope for a better day a better day
Crying Jesus, help me
To feel the love again in my own land
But if unknown roads lead away from home,
Give me loving arms, away from harm
Can you hear the voice of the children?
Softly pleading for silence in a shattered world?
Angry guns preach a gospel full of hate,
Blood of the innocent on their hands
Crying Jesus, help me
To feel the sun again upon my face,
For when darkness clears I know you're near,
Bringing peace again
Dali cujete sve djecje molitive?
Can you hear the prayer of the children?"
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Everything
You hold the world
in the palm of Your hand
You made all the stars
and You know them by name
All nature proclaims Your glory
The plants of the forest
and the birds in the sky
All creation joins in praise
You are the one and only God
Who have I on earth but You?
The things of the world fade in Your presence
You are my everything
Nothing I build will satisfy
No love I find will be truer than Yours
No one I meet can fill Your place
You are my everything
in the palm of Your hand
You made all the stars
and You know them by name
All nature proclaims Your glory
The plants of the forest
and the birds in the sky
All creation joins in praise
You are the one and only God
Who have I on earth but You?
The things of the world fade in Your presence
You are my everything
Nothing I build will satisfy
No love I find will be truer than Yours
No one I meet can fill Your place
You are my everything
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Prayer
I worked the closing shift last night, so I didn't get home until really late. I didn't get enough sleep, didn't want to wake up early for church, and was tired the whole day.
In Sunday School, we broke up into small groups to pray for each other. I shared with my group about how I'm living life from test to test and assignment to assignment. I told them about how I'm not seeking God as much as I should be and enjoying His love. I told them how upset I am that one of my friends will be leaving. And I told them how I need God's love.
Our 2 leaders prayed for all of us, and when they prayed for me, I felt such a warm peace. I didn't realize until today that its been so long since someone has prayed with me for me. Their prayers were beautifully caring, genuine, and encouraging because I'm confident that God heard them.
I didn't realize that I'm missing so much. It's been so long since I've been in a small group. It's been so long since I've shared my burdens with a group who prayed for me. I miss prayer. I miss it a lot.
In Sunday School, we broke up into small groups to pray for each other. I shared with my group about how I'm living life from test to test and assignment to assignment. I told them about how I'm not seeking God as much as I should be and enjoying His love. I told them how upset I am that one of my friends will be leaving. And I told them how I need God's love.
Our 2 leaders prayed for all of us, and when they prayed for me, I felt such a warm peace. I didn't realize until today that its been so long since someone has prayed with me for me. Their prayers were beautifully caring, genuine, and encouraging because I'm confident that God heard them.
I didn't realize that I'm missing so much. It's been so long since I've been in a small group. It's been so long since I've shared my burdens with a group who prayed for me. I miss prayer. I miss it a lot.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Leave
No, don't leave! I wish I could say that to you. I wish I could tell you how upset I am that you're leaving. But I know that I can't. Because as much as I hate to admit it, you should go. I know that it'll be better for you to leave, but at the same time, that means I'll have to give you up.
Not as though I had any claim on you to begin with. You belong to God. Who am I to demand your attention? I know that I should be grateful for the time that God has shared you with me, but the selfish part of me wants to hang on tight.
I don't want to let go. God has given me a blessing and I don't want to give it up. I'm so selfish. I'm so dependant on people. I need to be needed. I want security in people. But I also need to love. And when I find something that I love, I don't want to give it up again.
I love you too much to give you up. But at the same time, real love doesn't satisfy it's own desires. Agape love will do what is best for others. I know that it is best for you to go. I love you too much to let you go, but I love you too much to let you stay.
So as much as I hate to say it: Leave.
Not as though I had any claim on you to begin with. You belong to God. Who am I to demand your attention? I know that I should be grateful for the time that God has shared you with me, but the selfish part of me wants to hang on tight.
I don't want to let go. God has given me a blessing and I don't want to give it up. I'm so selfish. I'm so dependant on people. I need to be needed. I want security in people. But I also need to love. And when I find something that I love, I don't want to give it up again.
I love you too much to give you up. But at the same time, real love doesn't satisfy it's own desires. Agape love will do what is best for others. I know that it is best for you to go. I love you too much to let you go, but I love you too much to let you stay.
So as much as I hate to say it: Leave.
Friends
I had a great time hanging out with two friends tonight. We ate dinner together and just hung out and talked about everything. It felt so good to relax and have fun with like-minded people who share my love for God.
Praise God for these precious gifts called friends!
Praise God for these precious gifts called friends!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Apathy?
I've got this routine down. Go to class, do my homework, write papers, study, take tests. It's all coming together now, and I've gotten better at doing things without having to think about them. But now that I don't have to constantly think about what I am doing, what do I think about?
The days fly by, and another week is over. How was my week? Hmmm...let me think about that. I don't even remember anymore. I'm living each day as it comes, just surviving from test to test and paper to paper. I'm on automatic pilot, and I'm not sure that's a good thing.
I should be enjoying my learning and joyfully living each day to the fullest. God has given me this day, and I must redeem the time He has given me.
Why do I feel like I'm just going through the motions? I've lost touch with the joy of living each day in the presence of my God. I need that joy back. Holy Spirit, please give me Jesus. Please overwhelm me with a love for my Creator. Please fill me with the joy of the Lord which is my strength.
The days fly by, and another week is over. How was my week? Hmmm...let me think about that. I don't even remember anymore. I'm living each day as it comes, just surviving from test to test and paper to paper. I'm on automatic pilot, and I'm not sure that's a good thing.
I should be enjoying my learning and joyfully living each day to the fullest. God has given me this day, and I must redeem the time He has given me.
Why do I feel like I'm just going through the motions? I've lost touch with the joy of living each day in the presence of my God. I need that joy back. Holy Spirit, please give me Jesus. Please overwhelm me with a love for my Creator. Please fill me with the joy of the Lord which is my strength.
Dream
So I had a really weird dream last night:
In my dream, I was hanging out with the guy that I have a crush on, and somehow or another, I hinted that I like him. I guess I was flirting with him or something. I don't remember...it was weird. So he asked if there was a chance of us being together which threw me off guard. And then I had to try to tell him that even though I really liked him a lot, I couldn't start a relationship because I don't feel like that's what God wants me to do right now. But I fumbled around a lot and didn't give as good an answer as I should have.
I was really torn apart emotionally because I really like him a lot and my heart wants so desperately to have a relationship right now, but my mind knows that its not the right time so I can't. And it was made worse because (in my dream, not in real life) he liked me back and wanted to pursue a relationship. So here I am, crushing my own emotions and his at the same time because I know against all my desires that it's not the right time.
It was a hard thing to go through, even though it wasn't real and it was only in my dream. But it left me pretty emotionally exhausted and wishing that maybe the story could have turned out a little differently. <3
In my dream, I was hanging out with the guy that I have a crush on, and somehow or another, I hinted that I like him. I guess I was flirting with him or something. I don't remember...it was weird. So he asked if there was a chance of us being together which threw me off guard. And then I had to try to tell him that even though I really liked him a lot, I couldn't start a relationship because I don't feel like that's what God wants me to do right now. But I fumbled around a lot and didn't give as good an answer as I should have.
I was really torn apart emotionally because I really like him a lot and my heart wants so desperately to have a relationship right now, but my mind knows that its not the right time so I can't. And it was made worse because (in my dream, not in real life) he liked me back and wanted to pursue a relationship. So here I am, crushing my own emotions and his at the same time because I know against all my desires that it's not the right time.
It was a hard thing to go through, even though it wasn't real and it was only in my dream. But it left me pretty emotionally exhausted and wishing that maybe the story could have turned out a little differently. <3
Sunday, November 2, 2008
My Body
Sometimes I just hate my body. I'm so frustrated at the limitations of this human body that I live in. I want to push myself to the limits, and my mind is willing but my body fails me.
Why do I have such a weak body? I'm constantly getting sick. I get sick, and then it takes me at least a week to recover from it. I don't get enough sleep and my body crashes and quits working on me. Right now, I've been sick for the past few days. My head hurts like crazy and I can't concentrate. I just want to lie in bed and sleep forever. My body just doesn't want to get up. My throat hurts. I try to sing and I have to stop because it hurts too much. My head hurts so much! I wish it would stop pounding.
My knees hurt. My hip hurts. My hip joint hurts. My back hurts. My shoulders hurt. My jaw hurts. Everythng hurts. Why is my body falling apart???
Why is my left TMJ so tight? I can't open my mouth all the way and it hurts when I chew. Why does my hip and lower back pop and hurt? Why do my knees hurt at random times for no reason? Why does the bottom of my foot hurt when I walk sometimes? Why do my lymph nodes swell up? Why is my throat so sore? Why am I so dizzy?
Why do I have such a weak body? I'm trapped. I hate this pain. I wish my body would cooperate with me, but I feel like I'm constantly fighting with it. Right now my body is winning.
I need to go sleep.
Why do I have such a weak body? I'm constantly getting sick. I get sick, and then it takes me at least a week to recover from it. I don't get enough sleep and my body crashes and quits working on me. Right now, I've been sick for the past few days. My head hurts like crazy and I can't concentrate. I just want to lie in bed and sleep forever. My body just doesn't want to get up. My throat hurts. I try to sing and I have to stop because it hurts too much. My head hurts so much! I wish it would stop pounding.
My knees hurt. My hip hurts. My hip joint hurts. My back hurts. My shoulders hurt. My jaw hurts. Everythng hurts. Why is my body falling apart???
Why is my left TMJ so tight? I can't open my mouth all the way and it hurts when I chew. Why does my hip and lower back pop and hurt? Why do my knees hurt at random times for no reason? Why does the bottom of my foot hurt when I walk sometimes? Why do my lymph nodes swell up? Why is my throat so sore? Why am I so dizzy?
Why do I have such a weak body? I'm trapped. I hate this pain. I wish my body would cooperate with me, but I feel like I'm constantly fighting with it. Right now my body is winning.
I need to go sleep.
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