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Choir

I auditioned for choir today. I was hoping that I would make the top choir. I love singing so much, and I loved singing with a professional choir that makes excellent music together. I miss being a part of a good choir, so I wanted to join the top choir this year. I thought I had a good shot of making it.

I didn't make the top choir.

Apparently they only have 2 spots for sopranos, and these will be filled by graduate or upper division students. I am very disappointed.

But I know God is in control. If He wanted me in that choir, He would have put me in, no matter what the obstacles. So I guess God has something better planned for me. I don't know what that would be, but I have to trust that God works out all things for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.

Praise God, for He is the Lord. I praise You and thank you for not allowing me to be in the top choir. I trust that You have the perfect plan for me. I know You have loving allowed this in my life.

God, please help me to believe in my heart.

Believe

Ever since I got home from LoveCorps, its been rush, rush, rush back into life. Work has been stressful because I need to finish all the videos for the website to be launched at the beginning of next month. I've been making a lot of progress, but I've spent a lot of my time and energy there as well.

I miss being with my Opitsaht team, but I feel like the transition coming home has been a lot easier this year than it was last year. Every time I remember my teammates, I lift them up in prayer. I have been praying so much since I returned home, and when I meet up with friends, our conversations are always so centered on Christ. I have been abiding in God much more than I have ever in my life. When I get in the car to drive somewhere, I talk to God. When I wake up, and when I sleep, I think about God's amazing love. It's been amazing to be in a constant conversation with God.

But it's different than I imagined. There aren't fuzzy feelings of warmth and excitement. No spectacular signs or a booming voice from the sky.

It's a peace. Calm assurance that God is in control. A steady belief. Quiet trust. And God doesn't answer me in the storm, but in the still and small silence where I simply trust Him and

Believe.

Professor

I don't know what to do. I can't talk to my professor anymore.

Everytime I approach her and talk to her, I leave extremely frustrated and in tears. Everytime I get an assignment back, I don't understand why I got the grade that I did. It's not that I want to get a perfect score. Its just that I thought I did the assignment exactly as she stipulated, so when she takes off points, I would like to know what I did wrong and where I lost points. I'm not trying to get a higher grade, I just don't understand what I did wrong becasue I thought that I followed her instructions to the letter. If she would just explain what I did that was not following the directions, then I could fix that next time.

But everytime I approach her for direction, help, or explaination, she gets really upset with me. Professors are supposed to be there to help and guide the students. She seems like she has no patience to explain her grading or help me do better in the course. She has a certain expectation in her mind, and I feel like she just expects you to know it. Somehow I'm just supposed to know exactly what she means, and if I mess up and do something different, then that its. It's my fault that I didn't know exactly what she meant, and its my fault for not doing exactly what she expected in her mind for me to do.

"I'm tired of arguing grades with you"

I'M NOT ARGUING GRADES! I just want to know what I did wrong and why you took off so that I can do better next time.

"You need to start taking responsibility for what you did. Don't say 'Well you said this...'"

I AM TAKING RESOPINSIBILITY FOR WHAT I DID. I FOLLOWED YOUR INSTRUCTIONS! I AM RESPOINSIBLE FOR FOLLOWING YOUR INSTRUCTIONS. You told me to do it a certain way, so I did it. But now you're saying that I didn't follow your instructions. WHAT DID I DO THAT DIDN'T FOLLOW YOUR INSTRUCTIONS?

I am frustrated beyond words. I can't talk to her anymore. Every single time I end up crying because I am so humiliated. I am so frustrated at this miscommunication and I am humiliated. You're supposed to help your student. Not humilate them.

Lonely Again

Dear God,

I'm lonely again.

I know why. Because I'm prone to wander. I know my heart is prone to wander away from you. And only You can fill that hole inside of me. Only You can make me whole.

I've been trying to make it through on my own strength again. Why do I always do this? I forget and try to do it all on my own. Of course, I can't. Epic Fail.

I need You. I need Your strength. I need Your love to fill my emptiness.

I do need friends and fellowship and support. And I am definately lacking in support.

But then again, You are still the most important. And even when I have everything else, if I neglect to spend time with You, then I have nothing.

Please teach me to love You more.

Because my heart is fickle and I am prone to wander.

Please

Please God,

I need a miracle. We need your mercy.

Love,
Me

Crash and Burn

I'm going through massive disappointment. I placed too much hope in the future. I guess you could say that I unconsciously counted my chickens before they hatched. Anyways, I discovered today that what God has planned for me is NOT what I had in mind.

I got my reply letter today for my RA application. Not only did I not get the RA position, I didn't even get the alternate (wait list). I've been coping with that disappointment all day. (I found out at 8:30am). I KNOW that God is in control. I KNOW that if this happens, then this is what God wants for me. It's just so hard to see something that almost became a reality crumble and burn to the ground. I've been trying not to think about it and trying to remind myself that all things work for good to them that love God. But I still can't talk to someone honestly about how I feel without breaking down and crying.

God, I don't understand. It's so hard to accept this. But I know that everything You allow is for Your glory. And everything that happens is filtered through Your loving hands. It's hard for me to accept that I experience pain because You love me. But I don't care what You take me through. I will still love You.

Epic?

Dear God,

I don't know if this is what you have in store for me. This will be a big commitment, but it can also be an opportunity for growth and the advancement of your Kingdom. I want to serve You and do Your will, but I don't want to jump into things before I am certain that this is what you want for me.

Please show me your will. Please reveal what you want for me to do.

It's so hard when I ask you and beg you to tell me, but I feel nothing. Please make it so clear to me that I won't miss it. Please show me clearly what You want me to do.

Your word is lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

The Fruit of Many HOURS of Editing!

Addicted

I am so addicted to video editing. I'm not even kidding. Every night this past week I have gotten ready for bed and decided to do a little bit of video editing before I sleep. I tell myself that I'll only edit for an hour, but by the time I look at the clock, it's already been an hour and a half.

So I say, just 30 more minutes, I'll go to bed at midnight. Next thing I know, it's 12:30am. Ok, I really have to go to sleep at 1... And then I get lost in editing again.

I have only been getting about 6 hours of sleep every night for the past 4 nights, and this is taking a toll on my body. I was so close to falling asleep in Physics today. And driving makes me sleepy too. BAD. This is NOT good. I need to sleep. My body needs rest.

I can't make it anymore. My body can't function without proper sleep. I don't know how I'm going to survive Friday.

Dear God,
I need Your help. My body is so tired, and I know that I only have 6 more hours before I have to get ready for school again. Please help my body to rest tonight. Please heal my weaknesses and maximize the hours of sleep that I will get. Please take my weakness and pour out Your strength so that Your power can be made known through my weakness. I need Your strength. Please give me Your joy tomorrow, and sustain me on the hope that You have given me.
I love you.
Love, Me

Mud Pies

I squish my fingers into the mud
and scoop up a sloppy handful
patting it into a mud pie

Smooth it out here
pinch it a bit there
add on a chunk at the top

I'm trying really hard
to make a beautiful cake
No, I don't need your help
I can do it myself

And when I'm finally done
I proudly present it
to Him.

He looks at my pathetic mud pie
the dirt under my fingernails
the mud splattered all over my clothes.

Gently, He takes my grubby hand
and leads me to a fountain
where I am washed
as white as snow

Let me help you,
He says
Stop trying so hard
just let me help you
and He does.

So I'll leave my mud pies
in the dirt
and follow Him
into the beautiful mansion

South Cop

Crisp, clean dress shirt and nice black slacks
Clipped on his belt: a holster
and gun

Brown locks frame the youthful face
as he eyes the man who he will soon arrest

The Officer nods
so he responds
moving toward the man
smirking as he dangles the handcuffs
tauntingly

He touches the man's wrist
but the man is too quick
he is caught in a headlock

The other cop panics
and shoots him by mistake
his body jerks
he cries out in pain
he falls to the ground
dead.

"CUT!"

The actor gets back up
brushes himself off
and tucks his shirt back in

"Reset the scene. Let's do another take."

"And ACTION!"

Lightbulb: WRAP!

Today was the last day of LIGHTBULB shoot. We wrapped sometime around 5pm, but I stayed until 6pm to help break down the set and clean up all the equipment. Today was a shorter day time wise, but most of us were already tired from the past few days of shooting. There was a lot less for me to do today, so I spent the majority of my time filming the shoot doc footage and sitting in the hall.

I'm glad that the project ended well, but I am sad that it is over. Working on set with crew and actors has this excitement that I love. Everyone is part of a team that is working together toward the common goal of creating a masterpiece. I thrive in the pressure and teamwork on set.

I now have 1 1/2 hours of documentary footage that I need to condense into a few short video clips for "behind the scenes" of Lightbulb. I've looked through some of it already and I know that I'm going to have a lot of fun with it. I would love to drop all my studies until my editing is done, but I know that I'm already playing catch up from this intense weekend shoot. So I'll have to put it off for a few days, but I can't wait to work on the Lightbulb Doc!

LIGHTBULB: Take One!

Today was our second day of shooting for LIGHTBULB, a short written and directed by Rob. I've had the privilege of being 2nd AD (Assistant Director) on this production with an amazing cast and crew.

On Friday we wrapped past midnight, but we were back on set Saturday morning at 8am. The team worked all day, and I finally started heading home around 7pm at night. Working on set is INTENSE. I am extremely exhausted, but I've been having so much fun that I can't wait to get back on set tomorrow.

Being 2nd AD is quite an experience. Half of the time I do "important jobs" such as taking notes on the shots or calling actors/crew to make sure they know their call times. Other times I do "go fetch jobs" like going on a coffee run, driving an actor to another building, and picking up lunch for everyone. I also got to be PR for a tour group that came through the building! That was pretty fun. Overall, I'm loving this shoot.

The cast and crew are so much fun to work with. The actors are great at acting, but I love it when they get bored because they do crazy things that keep everyone laughing. (handcuffing himself to a bar, beep boxing, dancing around on set, making weird faces, making fun of each other, and trying to light a cigarette while it's stuck in his nose) They all crack me up. Everyone on crew had a great attitude, and no one slacked off on the job. The more experienced crew were nice about teaching us newbies about flags, the boom, the jab, and all the other weirdly named but essential equipment. And of course, Trey's slow motion dancing kept everyone entertained.

I love working on set! I just can't tell you how fun it all is. You just have to be there and experience it.

Facing Failure

I broke down and cried last night. I cried in my car. I cried as I walked across campus. I cried as I sat through the message and the sharing. It was a catharsis for a flood of emotions that I did not even realize I had been bottling up inside. The dam finally broke and the flood spilled out. Frustration. Stress. Incompetence.

I have been relying on my own strength for so long that I have become unaware of it. I’ve been trying so hard to do everything right. But relying on myself has only brought me failure. I have realized that I am an utter failure. I can not do anything on my own strength. I am a nothing. I can’t do anything right. I’m a wretch. Nothing. Zero.

What of all my past accomplishments? It is all by the grace of God. I have nothing of my own to brag about. There is nothing I have done that I can boast about. I am only here today because of God’s overwhelming love for a wretch like me. His infinite love for a nothing.

God has poured out His blessings and love on me. Through His power, He has accomplished great things in my life. Now who am I to think that I can continue on my own strength? What strength do I even have? It’s like the facet saying to the water source, “Oh, I don’t need your help anymore. I can take it from here” and attempting to pour out water from itself. The facet is only a channel through which the water flows. Without the water source, the facet is merely a useless tube of metal.

I am a nothing. I am empty. But when I am empty, that means that there is space inside of me for the Living Water to flow through me. When I am full of myself, there is no room for anything to flow through me. I have to be empty before I can be a channel for God’s blessings.

I have been unconsciously relying on myself for too long now. All that brings me is stress, frustration, and failure. I can not do it anymore. I don’t have any strength left. I can’t fight anymore. I give up. I need someone to carry me.

“Come to me all you who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest…”

I’m lost without You.
I’m desperate for You.
You are my daily bread.
I’m lost without You.
I’m desperate for You.

Amazing grace, how wonderful that sounds!
That saved this wretched sinner that I am!
I was once lost, but now I know the way.
Was a failure, but now I trust Your strength.

Giving up my hopes to YOU

I went to a 3 hour information session about being a Student Staff which was required for all Resident Assistant applicants. I've spent so many hours working on my RA application, interviewing staff, and going to information sessions. The more I think about it, the more excited I get, and the more I want to be an RA next year.

At the end of the session today, the Leadership Staff told us that this year, they have about 15 openings available but that they received close to 100 applications.

After meeting other candidates for the RA positions and thinking about the statistics, I have come to realize that not getting an RA position is a very possible reality.

And then I realized that I needed to give this hope up to God.

Dear God,
You know how much I have been looking forward to getting this job. But I realize that I may not get the position. I know that You are always in control, and I trust that You will give me what is best for me. Whether you allow me to be an RA or not, I trust that it is the path that You have for me. If I get accepted, I will praise you. If I don't get accepted, I will still praise you. Thank you for the opportunity and experience that you have given me through all of this. Thank you for loving me and always being in control.
Love,
Me

Musings on TWILIGHT

So for the past few days, I couldn't stop thinking about TWILIGHT. It was such an emotionally intense movie that it's hard to shake it off. I would be going about my day and I would suddenly remember the intense emotion of the movie. When I remember the portrayal of such an intense and unconditional love, it's only natural that I start to evaluate the relationships that I have in my life and wonder if I am loving and being loved unconditionally by those in my life.

I then started to realize that I DO have a relationship where I am loved with a passionate and unconditional love. I began to see an analogy between the love story in TWILIGHT and the love story that I have experienced in my own life. Now don't get me wrong, this is just an analogy, so of course not everything lines up. And I know its a bit of a far stretch, but this is just what came to mind, and now I can't get it out of my head. You can laugh at me if you would like to. I know I'm weird.

In TWILIGHT, Edward loves Bella so much that he can't bear to be seperated from her. He does anything so that he can be with her, he risks his life and saves hers, he watches her when she sleeps, and he's always around to save her with his super powers whenever she gets in a tough spot.

To me, this unconditional love reminds me of the love that God has for me and for everyone else in the world. God loves us so much that He wants to always be with us, so when we turned our backs on Him, He wanted us back so badly that He died to pay sin's penalty that we owed. Because of Jesus's death and ressurection, I now have a restored relationship with God and I know that I will have eternal life in heaven with God. God watches over me while I sleep, and He always takes care of me and keeps me from harm.

In the movie, Edward and James battle for Bella's life. This reminds me of how Satan challenges God's kingdom and wants to steal as many as he can away from God. In the end, Edward triunphs just as God triumphs over Satan and wins the victory.

Now I know my analogy is really werid, but that's just what I thought of, and now I can't get it out of my head. I have NOT read any of the TWILIGHT books, so everything in my analogy is based off of watching the movie once. I know that some of you hardcore fans may find many things wrong with my analogy, and you are free to reject it. It's just been going through my head so much that I just had to let it out. Thanks for reading my random musings on TWILIGHT.

Twilight

So I just finished watching TWILIGHT. I wasn't satisfied with the ending. The ending of the movie doesn't give me the closure that I want from a dramatic romance story like this. They never really tell us what happens with Edward and Bella. I'm going to assume that they stay together. They never tell us what happens with Bella's friend (The Native American guy whose name I can't remember) and the warning that his dad paid him to deliver. What about the antagonist Victoria? I would have liked to see Bella reconciling with her dad after she said so many mean things to him and left him like her mom had. Poor guy. So do Rosalie and Bella finally end up getting along with each other? I like endings that tie everything up in a nice little bow.

There was one part of the cinematography that I really liked. There is a scene where Bella is standing against her truck watching Edward who is across the parking lot. When Mike comes to talk to her and asks her to the prom, Bella does not pay any attention to Mike since she is intently watching Edward. This is emphasized by the shallow focus/short depth of field that puts Edward, who is in the background, in sharp focus while Mike, who is in the foreground, is blurred. When Bella finally realizes that Mike is talking to her, the camera racks focus and Mike is now in focus.

During the scene where Edward watches Bella figure out the he is a vampire, the characters stand still while the camera swings around and around them. This movement shows that as the characters are standing there, they are going through a lot of inner struggle which makes the scene very intense.

I think that the conflict between Rosalie and Bella could have been portrayed better. The scene in the kitchen when Rosalie breaks the glass because Bella has already eaten doesn't really show why Rosalie is upset. It doesn't show a good enough motivation for her to suddenly break things. In the garage scene where the family is preparing to fight/flee from James, Rosalie says "What is she to me?" and refuses to help Bella. But she is at the edge of the frame and you only see her side profile. There isn't a front or close up shot of her to show how she is relenting and changing her mind about hating Bella. If they chose to use this conflict in the movie, then I think that they should do a better job of portraying it and showing the struggle to overcome it.

My favorite part of this movie is Edward's struggle. He wants so desperately to kill Bella for her blood, but he doesn't. Because he loves her so much, he will control his own desires. He puts her interests before his own. To me, this is a really good analogy of how I should be living my life. When I love my family, friends, and other people that I interact with, am I serving them or am I serving myself? Real love is not about what others can do for you. It's about serving people. In what ways am I loving selfishly? What can I do to control my own desires in order to serve others more?

7 Days: Counting Down the Days

This break has been a much needed rest from school. I didn't realize how much I needed it until the things that I didn't know were wrong became right again.

-I finally started getting enough sleep again!
-I started eating regular meals (which is why I gained weight...)
-I spent time with my parents and siblings.
-I began to read my bible every day again.
-I picked up my instruments for the first time in months.
-I cleaned my room, organized my desk, and did chores around the house
-I wrote letters/emails that I have been meaning to get to
-I started reading "Mountians Beyond Mountians"
-I worked on my RA application
-I went to LEADERSHAPE!
-I went to the San Antonio Independent Christian Film Festival
-I met up with high school friends
-I studied Philippians with a bible study group
-Best of all, I got to RELAX!

I had an amazing break, but I'm ready for school to start again. Only 7 more days until the chaos will begin again...

New Year's Resolutions 2009

New Year's Resolutions 2009

Educational Goals
[ ] 1 Make an A in every class
[ ] 2 Keep up with the material in every class
[ ] 3 Never skip a class on purpose
[ ] 4 Never miss a class because I slept in
[ ] 5 Do sequencing every day

Physical Goals
[ ] 1 Do my physical therapy exercises everyday
[ ] 2 Do something active at the gym 2 times a week
[ ] 3 Be able to do a pull up
[ ] 4 Train back up to swim a mile
[ ] 5 Train back up to run 5 miles

Spiritual Goals
[ ] 1 Read my bible/devotional/shower power every day
[ ] 2 Journal at least 4 times a week
[ ] 3 Attend a campus large group once a week
[ ] 4 Join a bible study or small group on campus
[ ] 5 Keep an accountability partner accountable

Family Goals
[ ] 1 Eat dinner with my family at least once every 5 school days.
[ ] 2 Spend at least one evening every week devoted to family time.
[ ] 3 Do my laundry, clean my room, desk, and bathroom once a week.
[ ] 4 Play an active sport with my brother once a week.
[ ] 5 Do at least one extra chore every week.
[ ] 6 Do at least one unexpected nice thing every week.

Artistic Goals
[ ] 1 Learn a new piano piece every month
[ ] 2 Memorize one hymn every month
[ ] 3 Play guitar at least once a week
[ ] 4 Attend every theatre show, dance concert, art exhibition, and music concert on campus
[ ] 5 Create a documentary film in another country

Social Goals
[ ] 1 Write a letter every week and pray for him/her.
[ ] 2 Compile and distribute 4 issues of Until the Day and Vessels of Silver
[ ] 3 Email Esowista kids once a week and pray for them.

Personal Goals
[ ] 1 Get 8 hours of sleep every night
[ ] 2 Don't drink any soda
[ ] 3 Eat healthier food by bringing my meals from home