Facing Failure

I broke down and cried last night. I cried in my car. I cried as I walked across campus. I cried as I sat through the message and the sharing. It was a catharsis for a flood of emotions that I did not even realize I had been bottling up inside. The dam finally broke and the flood spilled out. Frustration. Stress. Incompetence.

I have been relying on my own strength for so long that I have become unaware of it. I’ve been trying so hard to do everything right. But relying on myself has only brought me failure. I have realized that I am an utter failure. I can not do anything on my own strength. I am a nothing. I can’t do anything right. I’m a wretch. Nothing. Zero.

What of all my past accomplishments? It is all by the grace of God. I have nothing of my own to brag about. There is nothing I have done that I can boast about. I am only here today because of God’s overwhelming love for a wretch like me. His infinite love for a nothing.

God has poured out His blessings and love on me. Through His power, He has accomplished great things in my life. Now who am I to think that I can continue on my own strength? What strength do I even have? It’s like the facet saying to the water source, “Oh, I don’t need your help anymore. I can take it from here” and attempting to pour out water from itself. The facet is only a channel through which the water flows. Without the water source, the facet is merely a useless tube of metal.

I am a nothing. I am empty. But when I am empty, that means that there is space inside of me for the Living Water to flow through me. When I am full of myself, there is no room for anything to flow through me. I have to be empty before I can be a channel for God’s blessings.

I have been unconsciously relying on myself for too long now. All that brings me is stress, frustration, and failure. I can not do it anymore. I don’t have any strength left. I can’t fight anymore. I give up. I need someone to carry me.

“Come to me all you who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest…”

I’m lost without You.
I’m desperate for You.
You are my daily bread.
I’m lost without You.
I’m desperate for You.

Amazing grace, how wonderful that sounds!
That saved this wretched sinner that I am!
I was once lost, but now I know the way.
Was a failure, but now I trust Your strength.