Crash and Burn

I'm going through massive disappointment. I placed too much hope in the future. I guess you could say that I unconsciously counted my chickens before they hatched. Anyways, I discovered today that what God has planned for me is NOT what I had in mind.

I got my reply letter today for my RA application. Not only did I not get the RA position, I didn't even get the alternate (wait list). I've been coping with that disappointment all day. (I found out at 8:30am). I KNOW that God is in control. I KNOW that if this happens, then this is what God wants for me. It's just so hard to see something that almost became a reality crumble and burn to the ground. I've been trying not to think about it and trying to remind myself that all things work for good to them that love God. But I still can't talk to someone honestly about how I feel without breaking down and crying.

God, I don't understand. It's so hard to accept this. But I know that everything You allow is for Your glory. And everything that happens is filtered through Your loving hands. It's hard for me to accept that I experience pain because You love me. But I don't care what You take me through. I will still love You.

Epic?

Dear God,

I don't know if this is what you have in store for me. This will be a big commitment, but it can also be an opportunity for growth and the advancement of your Kingdom. I want to serve You and do Your will, but I don't want to jump into things before I am certain that this is what you want for me.

Please show me your will. Please reveal what you want for me to do.

It's so hard when I ask you and beg you to tell me, but I feel nothing. Please make it so clear to me that I won't miss it. Please show me clearly what You want me to do.

Your word is lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

The Fruit of Many HOURS of Editing!

Addicted

I am so addicted to video editing. I'm not even kidding. Every night this past week I have gotten ready for bed and decided to do a little bit of video editing before I sleep. I tell myself that I'll only edit for an hour, but by the time I look at the clock, it's already been an hour and a half.

So I say, just 30 more minutes, I'll go to bed at midnight. Next thing I know, it's 12:30am. Ok, I really have to go to sleep at 1... And then I get lost in editing again.

I have only been getting about 6 hours of sleep every night for the past 4 nights, and this is taking a toll on my body. I was so close to falling asleep in Physics today. And driving makes me sleepy too. BAD. This is NOT good. I need to sleep. My body needs rest.

I can't make it anymore. My body can't function without proper sleep. I don't know how I'm going to survive Friday.

Dear God,
I need Your help. My body is so tired, and I know that I only have 6 more hours before I have to get ready for school again. Please help my body to rest tonight. Please heal my weaknesses and maximize the hours of sleep that I will get. Please take my weakness and pour out Your strength so that Your power can be made known through my weakness. I need Your strength. Please give me Your joy tomorrow, and sustain me on the hope that You have given me.
I love you.
Love, Me

Mud Pies

I squish my fingers into the mud
and scoop up a sloppy handful
patting it into a mud pie

Smooth it out here
pinch it a bit there
add on a chunk at the top

I'm trying really hard
to make a beautiful cake
No, I don't need your help
I can do it myself

And when I'm finally done
I proudly present it
to Him.

He looks at my pathetic mud pie
the dirt under my fingernails
the mud splattered all over my clothes.

Gently, He takes my grubby hand
and leads me to a fountain
where I am washed
as white as snow

Let me help you,
He says
Stop trying so hard
just let me help you
and He does.

So I'll leave my mud pies
in the dirt
and follow Him
into the beautiful mansion

South Cop

Crisp, clean dress shirt and nice black slacks
Clipped on his belt: a holster
and gun

Brown locks frame the youthful face
as he eyes the man who he will soon arrest

The Officer nods
so he responds
moving toward the man
smirking as he dangles the handcuffs
tauntingly

He touches the man's wrist
but the man is too quick
he is caught in a headlock

The other cop panics
and shoots him by mistake
his body jerks
he cries out in pain
he falls to the ground
dead.

"CUT!"

The actor gets back up
brushes himself off
and tucks his shirt back in

"Reset the scene. Let's do another take."

"And ACTION!"

Lightbulb: WRAP!

Today was the last day of LIGHTBULB shoot. We wrapped sometime around 5pm, but I stayed until 6pm to help break down the set and clean up all the equipment. Today was a shorter day time wise, but most of us were already tired from the past few days of shooting. There was a lot less for me to do today, so I spent the majority of my time filming the shoot doc footage and sitting in the hall.

I'm glad that the project ended well, but I am sad that it is over. Working on set with crew and actors has this excitement that I love. Everyone is part of a team that is working together toward the common goal of creating a masterpiece. I thrive in the pressure and teamwork on set.

I now have 1 1/2 hours of documentary footage that I need to condense into a few short video clips for "behind the scenes" of Lightbulb. I've looked through some of it already and I know that I'm going to have a lot of fun with it. I would love to drop all my studies until my editing is done, but I know that I'm already playing catch up from this intense weekend shoot. So I'll have to put it off for a few days, but I can't wait to work on the Lightbulb Doc!

LIGHTBULB: Take One!

Today was our second day of shooting for LIGHTBULB, a short written and directed by Rob. I've had the privilege of being 2nd AD (Assistant Director) on this production with an amazing cast and crew.

On Friday we wrapped past midnight, but we were back on set Saturday morning at 8am. The team worked all day, and I finally started heading home around 7pm at night. Working on set is INTENSE. I am extremely exhausted, but I've been having so much fun that I can't wait to get back on set tomorrow.

Being 2nd AD is quite an experience. Half of the time I do "important jobs" such as taking notes on the shots or calling actors/crew to make sure they know their call times. Other times I do "go fetch jobs" like going on a coffee run, driving an actor to another building, and picking up lunch for everyone. I also got to be PR for a tour group that came through the building! That was pretty fun. Overall, I'm loving this shoot.

The cast and crew are so much fun to work with. The actors are great at acting, but I love it when they get bored because they do crazy things that keep everyone laughing. (handcuffing himself to a bar, beep boxing, dancing around on set, making weird faces, making fun of each other, and trying to light a cigarette while it's stuck in his nose) They all crack me up. Everyone on crew had a great attitude, and no one slacked off on the job. The more experienced crew were nice about teaching us newbies about flags, the boom, the jab, and all the other weirdly named but essential equipment. And of course, Trey's slow motion dancing kept everyone entertained.

I love working on set! I just can't tell you how fun it all is. You just have to be there and experience it.

Facing Failure

I broke down and cried last night. I cried in my car. I cried as I walked across campus. I cried as I sat through the message and the sharing. It was a catharsis for a flood of emotions that I did not even realize I had been bottling up inside. The dam finally broke and the flood spilled out. Frustration. Stress. Incompetence.

I have been relying on my own strength for so long that I have become unaware of it. I’ve been trying so hard to do everything right. But relying on myself has only brought me failure. I have realized that I am an utter failure. I can not do anything on my own strength. I am a nothing. I can’t do anything right. I’m a wretch. Nothing. Zero.

What of all my past accomplishments? It is all by the grace of God. I have nothing of my own to brag about. There is nothing I have done that I can boast about. I am only here today because of God’s overwhelming love for a wretch like me. His infinite love for a nothing.

God has poured out His blessings and love on me. Through His power, He has accomplished great things in my life. Now who am I to think that I can continue on my own strength? What strength do I even have? It’s like the facet saying to the water source, “Oh, I don’t need your help anymore. I can take it from here” and attempting to pour out water from itself. The facet is only a channel through which the water flows. Without the water source, the facet is merely a useless tube of metal.

I am a nothing. I am empty. But when I am empty, that means that there is space inside of me for the Living Water to flow through me. When I am full of myself, there is no room for anything to flow through me. I have to be empty before I can be a channel for God’s blessings.

I have been unconsciously relying on myself for too long now. All that brings me is stress, frustration, and failure. I can not do it anymore. I don’t have any strength left. I can’t fight anymore. I give up. I need someone to carry me.

“Come to me all you who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest…”

I’m lost without You.
I’m desperate for You.
You are my daily bread.
I’m lost without You.
I’m desperate for You.

Amazing grace, how wonderful that sounds!
That saved this wretched sinner that I am!
I was once lost, but now I know the way.
Was a failure, but now I trust Your strength.

Giving up my hopes to YOU

I went to a 3 hour information session about being a Student Staff which was required for all Resident Assistant applicants. I've spent so many hours working on my RA application, interviewing staff, and going to information sessions. The more I think about it, the more excited I get, and the more I want to be an RA next year.

At the end of the session today, the Leadership Staff told us that this year, they have about 15 openings available but that they received close to 100 applications.

After meeting other candidates for the RA positions and thinking about the statistics, I have come to realize that not getting an RA position is a very possible reality.

And then I realized that I needed to give this hope up to God.

Dear God,
You know how much I have been looking forward to getting this job. But I realize that I may not get the position. I know that You are always in control, and I trust that You will give me what is best for me. Whether you allow me to be an RA or not, I trust that it is the path that You have for me. If I get accepted, I will praise you. If I don't get accepted, I will still praise you. Thank you for the opportunity and experience that you have given me through all of this. Thank you for loving me and always being in control.
Love,
Me