Judge Not

So I don't mean to judge, but this guy really creeps me out. I guess it started when he showed us his video that he made with some friends. It was a detective story about kidnapping and bad guys and stuff, with the usual sensual scenes that most video makers sprinkle into their films for the benefit of the male audience. So I figured that he's just a normal college student.

Then we read and critiqued his screen play which he wrote about spirits that follow people when they're about to die, and the main character dies and then comes back to haunt his friend... And I'm not a big fan of horror movies, so that one creeped me out a bit.

And then came this project that he and a few of my other friends worked on together... the end result was another movie in which the main character is killed (big surprise) by this weird guy (played by him). After the project was over, my friends complained to me about how much of a pain it was to work with him since he was such a control freak and selfish guy.

So I ended up with a pretty bad impression of this guy. Add on to that the fact that it seems like he tries to hit on girls, and then you've got a guy that I'm weirded out by.

So today we were talking about a Christian concert that he had gone to, and so I asked him if he was a Christian. And he said "Yeah" matter of factly. So I was surprised and I said "Oh" Then he was surprised that I was surprised and asked "Why? Did you not think I was a Christian?" To which I shrugged becuase I didnt know how to reply without judging him.

So I feel really bad for coming across as rude, but I was really genuinely shocked to find out that he was a beliver. So it was awkward, and my mind is still trying to get over that fact.

Burn the kingdoms I have made

"Your sacrifice is brokenness
A heart that's full of
Tenderness come and break me Lord
To seek You in Your righteousness
To find You in Your holiness
Come and take me Lord

That I could learn to trust You
In every way to love You
Strip away all that remains for Your glory and Your
Name 'til there's nothing left of me
Burn the kingdoms I have made that You would shine
And I would fade 'til there's nothing left of me
'til there's nothing left of me

Your Spirit is the only One that can conform me
To Your Son let Him move in me
Your grace is written deep in me
You've signed my heart to purity with Your holy blood

That I could learn to trust You
In every way to love You
Strip away all that remains for Your glory and Your
Name 'til there's nothing left of me
Burn the kingdoms I have made that You would shine
And I would fade 'til there's nothing left of me
'til there's nothing left of me "

Trapped

I feel like I'm trapped. Being a college student forces me to be an adult. I'm taking care of my own courses, my own studying, and my own life. I manage what to study when, what to eat when and where, who I hang out with, and how I use my time. I'm forced to make a lot of my own decisions. Some times I make mistakes, but thats part of growing up. I'm loving this.

When I'm at school, I take care of myself, and I feel confident in what I am doing. When I come home, I have to get back into the mode of asking permission to do things. And when Mom reminds me to study, sleep, or do other things, I feel frustrated. I'm taking care of myself at school. Just because I'm at home doesn't mean that I've forgotten how to take care of my priorities.

I feel trapped. I want to make my own decisions. But everytime I want to do anything, Mom doesn't approve. I feel like she gets upset anytime I want to do anything away from home. I feel like she wants me home all the time, and doesn't like it when I stay at school. I feel like I'm sinning when I want to do something other than stay at home.


I'm disappointed. My friends came back from their far away colleges for the weekend, and we're all supposed to be hanging out tonight. But no, I wasn't allowed to go hang out with them. Why can't I make my own decisions of where I want to spend my time?

Mom said that I can hang out with them tomorrow after church, but no one is hanging out after church. Everyone is going home to study. So I can't hang out tomorrow. That's so frustrating! I could have hung out, but I wasn't allowed to. And when I'm allowed to, its too late. This same thing happened before everyone left fo college when we had our "last senior hangout". It's so frustrating. I just wish I wasn't trapped.

Self-Control

How my heart yearns to break loose
from the invisible ropes that bind
me inside this box
a prisoner inside my bubble

How I long to do whatever I feel like
without asking for permission
on the spur of the moment
just because

Without a logical explanation
and a structured plan
the freedom to do as I please
because I can

How I wish I was not blessed
with these practical ropes that bind:
responsibility, dependability,
loving parents who care

If only I could break free
throw all my cares out the window
and live moment by moment
satisfy my every desire

But I do not dare
take that reckless plunge
because the box that confines me
is guarded by me

I yearn to burst out
and I know that I can
but instead I chose
to keep myself bound

Inside this imaginary cage
called self-control.

Content

I feel so contented right now. Even though there is so much going on in my life, I feel peaceful and confident that everything will turn out fine. God has given me so many wonderful blessings. I feel the joy bubbling out of me like a fountain. I want to shout to the world and tell everyone how happy I am! I have been so blessed! God has given me so many friends, and I'm especially grateful for the few that I treasure the most. I can just feel God's goodness today. I'm on the top of the mountan!

This past week has been an uphill struggle. So many times I've been so frustated. So many times I've cried while trying desperately to understand chemistry problems. Struggling to stay awake. Wresting with insecure thoughts.

But now, all the anguish has disappeared, and I've almost forgotten how stressed I have been. It's not as though all my problems have suddenly been solved. My problems are still here. But for some reason, today they seem so insignificant. Yes, I've failed yet another chemistry quiz. But what does that count for in eternity?

God loves me so much, and I am his beloved child. What else in life really matters?

From Psalm 73:

"25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds."

Little Bits of Happiness

Am I relying on the little bits of happiness God gives me or on the deep joy that is found through a relationship with God Himself?

I find so many little bits of happiness, and I've been blessed with them more and more every day. Meeting new people thrills me. Finding out things that we have in common excites me. Climbing on the rock wall makes me forget about my studying. Breaking through the walls into the real feelings of a friend awes me. Playing improv acting games makes me laugh like I haven't laughed in a while. Hearing the memories and painful stories makes my heart hurt and my arms yearn to embrace...to wipe away the tears...to heal the hurts...

God has given me so many blessings. I especially treasure the blessing of my friend. I don't really know why I'm so intrigued by him. I respected him for his discipline and studious-ness, but I think what made me so curious is the fact that he's so hard to get to know. He has built a wall around himself, probably subconsciously, and his shyness keeps him from reaching out and making new friends. Quiet people intrigue me because they always have deep thoughts going on in their minds that they don't often share. I wonder what they're thinking and what they're like. It almost becomes my mission to gently break down the barriers and get through to the inside.

I feel like the walls are coming down and my friend has finally let me into his life. I've really enjoyed our conversations so much. He hides so much of who he is from everyone because he is so shy, so I feel so honored that he is talking to me and sharing with me. I feel like he trusts me. I think he's been hiding for so long because sharing your life makes you vulnerable, and I already know that he is a very sensitive person. I think he feels like he can be himself around me, and I really appreciate that. I love talking to and spending time with him because he is a real person and he acts real. Real friends share problems and encourage each other to deepen their walk with God. Being with a friend makes me happy.

God has given me so many little bits of happiness. And some big bits of happiness. But what are the things that I can keep and enjoy as gifts from God, and what are the toys that God wants me to give up to him? I remember a friend telling me that I need to give up my little bits of happiness to God. But are my bits of happiness wrong? Can't I still keep them? Why do I have to give them up? Didn't God give them to me for me to enjoy? Or does He want me to leave my toys on the shelf and never play with them?

I'm not sure whether to enjoy my little bits of happiness or feel guilty about them.